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Feb. 1, 2017
High School Student Robert E. Lee Voted Most Likely To SecedeFAUQUIER COUNTY, VA — In a landslide victory at Virginia’s Eastern View High School, local student Robert E. Lee was voted ‘Most Likely To Secede’ this year by a group of his graduating colleagues. Citing the young man’s leadership, charisma, and “staunch discontent with the tyrannically unmitigated authority of the federal union,” student representatives announced Lee as the superlative winner alongside other categories such as Best Dressed, and Most Slaves.Known locally as captain of both the Hurling team and Revolutionary War Reenactment club, Lee also participated in the school’s Student Government organization for a time, until a clash with the group’s administration over a proposed “Five-Thirds Re-compromise” led to the creation of the New Confederate Student Government of Patriots, of which Lee is now also captain. Offering his gratitude to family and friends alike for their dedication and hard work to support him, Lee gave a brief speech to the crowd following the convocation in which he vowed to one day “liberate the South and her children from the burdensome shackles of federal intercession” before concluding triumphantly, and returning to his home at the Custis-Lee Cotton Plantation.
