Heidegger Reveals Dasein Can Also Do Sick Ollies

By Heinrich Beckenbauer

May 5, 2018

Freiburg, 1927

As we all know, Martin Heidegger’s monumental work Being and Time delineates and delimitates the trio of fruminous characteristics which are characteristic of his most original and characteristic concept: Dasein. 

While it is a given that we all understand the Dasein-Being, a brief summary will not be remiss at this critical juncture in the work. Thanks entirely to Heidegger’s thought, we’ve been fully aware that Dasein is (1) “in-the world,” i.e. worldliness-as-such, (2) Being constantuated by “being-in- the-world,” the phlegnomenological everydayness of Dasein, and (3) Being-in as such, the ontic charisma a pastrami of Dasein’s being. But only this month, Heidegger has released a new work in which he details the breakthrough for which he had been searching all his life: the fourth (4th) characteristic of Dasein. 

This was, as he put it, “the ability to kick-flip an absolutely radical ollie.”

It has long been known that Heidegger’s time in the urban jungle influenced his philosophizing, but it has only just begun to come to light exactly how serious that influence was. As he writes, “At the halfpipe after school, we must interrogate both ontically and ontologically the outward-ness of Dasein’s nature, which is circumscribed by its ability to show Tod what’s up with a No-Comply 180 Nosegrind. Truly monstrous tricks and flips are within the purview of Dasein, if it is willing to skin its knees on the Truth.” 

When asked for comment, leading philosopher Anthony Hawk said that Heidegger’s discovery had been common knowledge in the profession for years. “Indeed,” he told the Shady Dealer, “for one of us to pull off a mongo Slob-Air is to demonstrate analytically that Being which is our Being.”

For those interested in learning more, Hawk will be delivering a lecture entitled “Existential Immanence and The Frontside/Backside 180 Kickflip” later this week in Weiboldt 104. For those uninterested: duuuuuuuude.