First Year Hides Girlfriend from Parents

By David North

Oct. 16, 2015

First-year Jack Bailey of Coulter House was seen trying to hide his girlfriend, first-year Amy Xuhao, from his parents when they visited last weekend. Bailey carefully avoided mentioning his O-Mance to his parents and spent the weekend keeping his girlfriend inside her double at Blackstone. The family toured campus and visited the historical buildings surrounding Hyde Park. What the Bailey parents didn’t know was that Xuhao was only a few blocks away in her dorm room, thinking about her next date with their son. The last thing on their mind was the possibility of their son ever getting laid.

“She’s not even my girlfriend, I swear,” said Bailey. “We’re just talking.”

Xuhao, however, had a different point of view on the relationship.

“We’ve been dating ever since we matched on Tinder after a Chicago Life Meeting,” said Xuhao. “He even took me to Bar Night. It was so romantic, and the Alpha Delta Phi brothers are really poetic.”

An investigative journalist followed the case all the way to an anonymous informant who is close to the couple.

“It’s difficult for them to maintain a relationship like this, but they have such a connection,” said the informant. “One time, he even texted her that she was ‘UChicago Hot’. There aren’t many people sweet enough to say that, you know? I don’t think Jack would really hide Amy.”

UCPD reports reveal that Bailey was seen looking sort of “squirrely” and “weird” during the weekend. These reports confirm initial speculation that Bailey was hiding something.

“It’s obvious that this kid was hiding something.” said Marlon C. Lynch, Associate Vice President for Safety, Security, and Civic Affairs. “We see this all the time, and it’s important that we catch it sooner than later. Everyone must review commonsense.uchicago.edu so they know what to do when this happens to again. Be aware of your surroundings.”

Bailey and Xuhao are still dating, and can be found near and around Blackstone.

“It’s the excitement that really keeps our love so fresh,” said Xuhao. “It’s like the roiling of a thunderstorm that will forcefully strike your ears with mighty claps, leaving you anticipating each hit with unbridled exhilaration.”

Bailey offered his input into what makes his relationship with Xuhao so beautiful.

“What relationship? I barely know this person… really!”said Bailey.