Everyone Deserves to Attend This School Except Todd

By Robert Zimmer

Nov. 9, 2013

Hello, students! With finals looming just around the corner, I suspect many of you are beginning to feel anxious and overwhelmed. You may be wondering, “Am I really cut out for this school? Everyone seems so much smarter than me. Did Admissions accept me out of pity, or by mistake?” These fears are perfectly normal, but totally unsubstantiated. UChicago is famous for its distinctive intellectual culture and incredibly ambitious students. It’s easy to feel like a little fish in a big pond when you attend a University of this caliber. Therefore, I am writing to reassure each and every one of you that we accepted you based on the strength of your academic record and personal accomplishments, and that you are definitely smart and creative enough to succeed here.

Except Todd.

Every year, our admissions officers spend vast amounts of time and energy sifting through applications from thousands of gifted and worthy students. We read applications from star athletes, valedictorians, and musical maestros. By mid-March, we’ve narrowed it down to you: The top dogs. The best of the best. The crème de la crème.

Well, except you, Todd. You’re that weird hair stuck in the crème that grosses people out.

Remember, we only accept students capable of engaging in rigorous inquiry, cultivating an intense and open exchange of ideas, and wrangling with numerous, complex perspectives—so don’t worry! If you got in, we know you’re capable of all this, and so much more.

Oh, that is, except Todd. Obviously. Actually, Todd, we’re pretty sure you were just a computer hiccup. That’s the only explanation that makes sense. We definitely meant to reject you and someone screwed up an Excel file or something.

You know what?It was probably Dolores. She’s not really good with computers and can’t see out of her right eye.

So, students: When your self-confidence begins to waver, just know that all of you add to the vital energy and constant flow of ideas that are quintessential to the University. We picked you because we know in our hearts that you have what it takes to succeed.

Even Todd can succeed. At sucking. Hey, Todd, maybe Dolores thought you were Todd Warren. Now, there’s a stand-up guy. Real UChicago material. Unlike you, Todd Darren. Yeah, if you’ve ever felt a strange, lingering sense that something elemental was out of place, or a creeping anxiety you couldn’t explain that made you feel alienated from your peers, that’s why. It’s because you fundamentally do not belong here. Our bad.

In any case, I am truly grateful for all your hard work, your achievements, and for your contributions to the University’s continued success. I wish you all an exciting, productive, and gratifying rest of the year. Let knowledge grow from more to more, and so be life enriched Except Todd’s.