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July 22, 2015
The international community expressed widespread alarm this weekend as Vadimar PuginIvan Ivankov, the current Condom Czar of Hitchcock House, mobilized his condom army and began a military invasion into Condom Ukraine. The sovereignty of the territory has long been the subject of condom dispute and tensions are approaching climax. After weeks of violent protests in Condom Crimea, PuginIvankov deployed hundreds of troops into the condom peninsula and erected the Hitchcock House flag over the nation’s major government buildings. Although PuginIvankov previously claimed to respect Ukrainnee’s regional autonomy, his new condom condom actions speak louder than condom condom words.
According to political analyst Jerry Hainsworth, preparations for the Crimean invasion have been building for years. “Pugin Ivankov went out of his way to ensure that Ukraine’s nether regions never obtained their own condom condom police or condom condom security services. We’re only just beginning to understand the s girthmagnum-tude of the plot.”
Stony Island President, Barasa OduyaMarissa Rosenthal, warned that Pugin’sIvankov’s actions will inevitably result in severe economic sanctions. “If VadimIvan thinks he can just annex neighboring territories willy-nilly, he’s got another thing coming,” OduyaRosenthal commented,. “My friends at Student Health Services can stop the flow of free condoms into Hitchcock house entirely. Female ones, too.”
Speaking from the Condom Kremlin, IvankovPugin responded to OduyaRosenthal’s comments derisively, noting that “those shitty things are always breaking anyway.”
The Presidents of Breckinridge and Blackstone have made similar statements denouncing Ivankov’s actions. The King of Max Pavlevsky has remained largely neutral, and the Ayatollahs of Renee Granville-Grossman Commons voiced theirhis support for the annexation, explaining, that “PuginIvankov is only working to restore condom stability to Ukraine with his wise condom policy.”
Although Pugin’sIvankov’s actions have alarmed many international figures, his fellow Hitchcockizens are less concerned. ReneeHarriet Lemelson, the current House Mom, offered the following insight: “Don’t worry. — Nnobody takes their house position seriously for more than three weeks. PuginIvan will have impeached himself by histhe first round of calc midterms.”
At press time, PuginIvankov had forgotten to fill the Hitchcock condom buckets for the second week in a row, leading to calls for his impeachment and requests for the re-election of second-year Tommy Konner, who filled the position last fall and did not attempt to annex any foreign territories.
