Area Student Fantasizes About Mean Course Evaluation

By Morgan Pantuck

May 30, 2016

According to those familiar with the situation, area student Margaret Ennis has been experiencing a highly erotic fantasy wherein she writes a mean course evaluation for her Introductory Physics professor Dennis Walberg.

“Mmm, yeah, then it’ll ask me for teaching strengths, and I’ll write ‘N/A’,” Ennis mused quietly during lecture while chewing aggressively on a pencil. “Or, if I’m feeling really bold, maybe I’ll write ‘NONE’ in all capital letters. Ugh, that would be so satisfying,” the student continued, moaning slightly.

Ennis, 20, has been stuck listening to Walberg, 49, for nearly 10 weeks this quarter. During this time, Walberg has subjected his students to almost thirty hours of nauseatingly dull lectures and pointless homework assignments. Accordingly, Ennis has been mentally rehearsing the mean comments she plans to submit to administrators since Week 5.

“Listening to Professor Walberg is like watching paint dry, but worse,” Ennis reflected, cheeks flushed with the excitement of venting her long-held frustrations to the online course evaluation system. “I would rather chew my own arm off than re-take this class,” she continued, eyes beginning to roll to the back of her head.

“Uses blackboard clearly? Well prepared for class? Responds to questions effectively? Disagree! Disagree! Disagree! Goddamn it!!”

At press time, Ennis was re-emerging from the ladies restroom with a strange look of smug satisfaction on her face.