Admissions Office Releases Class of 2019 Dick Statistics
By John Wilson
Oct. 23, 2015
In an unexpected turn, the University of Chicago Admissions Office has released the penis size statistics for the class of 2019. The information was released on the admissions office website between the GPA distribution and average ACT score.
“The Office of Admissions is pleased to welcome such talented young students to the University of Chicago,” read the report. “Students this year arrived from all fifty states, 16 countries, and have an average erect penis length of 5.61 inches.”
The penis statistics, never before released in an admissions office report, came as a shock to many students, many of whom had no memory of disclosing any information about their penises.
“I really don’t remember putting anything about the girth of my erect penis on the common app,” said first-year Will Blankenship. “But I kind of rushed through it at the last minute, so I guess I could have forgotten. I feel like I would have remembered, though.”
The report went on to state, in detail, many aspects of the size, shape, and volume of the class of 2019’s genitalia.
“The class of 2019 had an average GPA of 4.2, participated in numerous extracurricular activities, and has an average flaccid, pendulous penis length of 3.61 inches. Seventy-four percent of them have participated in community service, thirty percent conducted original research, and forty-five percent have uncircumcised penises. We are so proud to admit this group of impressive young scholars to our university.”
“The degree of methodological rigor is honestly what’s most alarming,” said concerned first-year Eric Stanton. “Look, they have a whole section on how length was measured from the pubic bone to the tip of the penis glans. And they’ve fitted the mass of our testicles to a normal distribution! How on earth did they even get that information?”
The report concluded that the class of 2019 was well suited for the rigorous environment of the University of Chicago.
“We are confident that the class of 2019 will be become valued members of our community here at UChicago,” read the report. “We warmly welcome them and their statistically average penises to our campus!”
