A Guide to Frat Parties

By Alex Hall

Oct. 12, 2015

Frat parties can be a very confusing muddle for a first year. From the nonsensical assortments of Greek letters whichthatwhich constitute their names to the sweaty mess that is the interior of their houses during a party, fraternities can sometimes feel just as stressful as school. The Shady Dealer knows that you aren’t here at the University of Chicago to play school – you’re here to have a good time. With that in mindSo, here are some tips to propel you to frat superstardom.

1. Nitpick the beer choices.; Nnothing makes you sound cooler than complaining about all the free beer you’re receiving. Plus, if you grumble loudly and often enough, the people around you might not be able to tell that you’ve never had alcohol before!
2. Did you just buy a pair of $100+ shoes for over $100? Are they brand new and sparkling white? Wear those to the party!
3. If you get the chance to actually talk to anybody, corner that personem. Prevent them from pLike, literally dDo not allow them towalking away from you by shifting in front of them when they try. Regale them with the tales of how awesome you were in high school. Were you third string on the JV handball team? Perfect. Tell them about how you were an All-American and were offered a full ride to Duke to play on their handball team.
4. In a similar vein toas number 3, when talking to a personsomeone, always one-up people when telling theirstories. If someone mentions that one time that they hooked up with a girl in the broom closet at a house party, tell them about the time you had a threesome in broad daylight at a playground while all the moms and dads cheered you on. Remember: you are the coolest person there, and, as such, the center of attention.
5. Let your roommate know exactly how much you drank when you get back, in vivid detail when you get back. Be sure to include the “exact” number of shots you took (feel free to round the numbers up a bit) and the alcohol percentage of all those beers you drank. How else areis they supposed to know that you’re cool enough to drink if you don’t wake theim up to inform theim about it at 2 in the morningAM on a Thursday?