University to Require Incoming Students to Sign Waiver to Use Cobb Staircase
COBB HALL—Following a series of accidents and complaints concerning the slippery surfaces, small treads, and general acrophobia-inducing steepness of the Cobb Hall staircase, President Paul Alivisatos has announced that all incoming students will be required to sign a waiver of liability in order to enter Cobb.
Students call the policy “short-sighted” and “blame-shifting bullshit.” “A waiver’s not gonna fix the fact that you feel like you’re going to slip and die every time you have to run down the stairs while wearing snow boots and carrying a heavy backpack through a crush of other people doing the same thing,” explains Maroons for Safe Stair Usage President Sam Talos.
Despite this, Alivisatos insists that the waiver is “the most cost-effective, practical, and safety-conscious option available” to the University. “It is in no way related to the fact that the classes that meet on the second through fourth floors of Cobb are mostly humanities classes. We are neither hindering students’ ability to enroll in humanities courses nor systematically disadvantaging the Division of the Arts and Humanities with supbar facilities,” he added, fidgeting with his tie.The Dealer has asked two guys who play poker in the Max P. music rooms to investigate whether this behavior indicates a “tell.” Their verdict is pending their recovery from falling during the Tuesday post-HUM crush.
Katherine Timm
