UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
In a move to close its growing $288 million budget deficit, the University of Chicago has announced a new tiered library access system, Library+. Effective immediately, students must purchase a subscription to check out books from the prestigious Regenstein Library and other nearby libraries.
The new system, which UChicago administrators say is “designed to reflect the value of our unparalleled literary collections,” is broken down into three main tiers:
- Bronze Tier ($100/quarter): This basic plan grants students the right to look at a book. You can hold it, admire the pristine binding, and possibly even read the first five pages. Perfect for students who love the idea of intellectual curiosity, but struggle to get daddy to pay for their ADHD meds.
- Silver Tier ($250/quarter): This plan is for serious scholars. Subscribers get full borrowing privileges for up to five books at a time. This tier also includes “express browsing lanes” in the stacks, allowing you to bypass Bronze members who are just loitering and taking selfies with old manuscripts.
- Gold Tier ($100 million/quarter): The ultimate package for truly committed intellectuals. Gold members receive unlimited book checkouts, a personal librarian on speed dial who will remind you when your books are due, and a ride on the robot arm in Mansueto. It’s rumored this key also comes with a free tote bag.
When pressed for a philosophical justification for the new fees, Dean of the Library Torsten Reimer leaned forward conspiratorially. “Think of it this way,” he said, “Plato wrote about the Forms, the perfect, true essences of things. He also believed in the inherent value of knowledge. The debt is just a corporeal manifestation of the student’s soul striving to reach that perfect Form of a book. This is what Plato meant by ‘debt.’ You have to carry the burden of the cost to truly appreciate the weight of the wisdom. At least, that’s what our philosophy department told us to say.”
In response, Northwestern has offered UChicago students the opportunity to step foot into their brutalist library, in exchange for pictures of gargoyles.
