Trump Nominates Dracula To Lead Department of Blood
Amid controversy over the qualifications of recent cabinet decisions, Donald Trump has announced his decision to nominate Count Dracula as Secretary of the Department of Blood. Critics have questioned Trump’s pick, citing a conflict of interest. Many have pointed out that Count Dracula would just use the position to enrich himself. The president-elect responded to these accusations, arguing, “He’s a really great man. I really trust him. He has great tastes, the best tastes. I wouldn’t trust any other vampire with my blood.”
This radical new direction is said to greatly enrich the blood industry as new policies increase demand for the salty, tangy human juice. After Trump announced his decision, stock prices for blood transfusion companies jumped significantly. Economists anticipate this new vampire-first direction to increase faith in blood markets.
As the famed UChicago economist Vlad Bloodsucker argued in a recent interview, “Yess… bwah ha ha. A rising tide may raise all ships, but a rising tide of blood will drown pathetic mortal humans. This shall signal the dawn of a new age for our kind.”
Experts agree that this bold new decision for the Department of Blood signals a new dusk for the human race and portends a new beginning of an unending night for humanity.
