New Dorm Check-In Policy to Require Retinal Scan, Fingerprints
Students arrived on campus last month to find drastic changes to the dorm check-in policy. To authenticate students’ identities, UChicago Housing and Residence Life (HRL) will now require students to provide retinal scans and fingerprints, to be kept in an expansive new database built in the labyrinthine basement of Renee Granville Grossman.
“We believe these requirements will reduce our endemic culture of hooliganism,” said a spokesperson for HRL when asked for comment. When asked about the implications the policy would have on free expression, the spokesperson said, “Campus security is a compelling interest for the University, so I’m not really worried about free expression. Besides, wasn’t there a big donation for that recently? Surely it’ll balance out, I feel like.”
“I’ve seen banks with less security than weed dispensaries, and I’ve seen prisons with less security than Campus North,” said Allison McAfee, a second-year living in an on-campus apartment. To ensure an accurate log of check-ins, HRL will require students to provide the time of arrivals and departures, demanding not just the hour and minute, but also the current phase of the moon.
In less 1984-esque dorms like Woodlawn, students claim they treat the system as a game, and seek opportunities to live out their Now You See Me heist fantasies by testing methods like simultaneous scanning IDs, or simply not scanning at all. For others, the moon phase requirement serves as an enriching opportunity to educate themselves about the movement of our celestial satellite.
Polling conducted by the Dealer found that it took students an average of four minutes to complete the check-in, leading many to wonder why we can’t all, in the words of an anonymous second year, “just let that shit go.” Many students have turned their attention to other dorm-related phenomena, such as the abnormal disappearance of knives in dining halls south of the midway, or the confounding question, “where the hell is I-House?”