University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides

HYDE PARK — As part of its longstanding institutional commitment to freedom of opinion, The University of Chicago will be opening the Dumb Museum of Something-or-Other in Spring 2024, University officials announced.

“Students have been enjoying our world-famous Smart Museum of Art,” University President Paul Alivisatos told reporters Monday, “so we thought it was only fair to give them another perspective. Who’s to say that the Smart Museum is better? Who’s to say that smart is better than dumb?”

“This opening is part of our new Kalven Report initiative to maintain neutrality and plausible deniability in all things,” said Provost Jay Ellison. “For example, we’re proud to announce we have no institutional stance on whether a hot dog is a sandwich, which pasta is the tallest, or whether genocide might be okay sometimes.”

The University also announced plans to open the Iversity of Chicago, the world’s first institution dedicated to depriving students of knowledge and depositing eighty thousand dollars a year into their bank account.