Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict
Welp, we did it, folks. After 90 years of ethno-religious tension, the good students of SOSC 11300 have reportedly solved the Israel-Palestine conflict after just one class session. “Our professor showed us a ten-minute Vice Explained video about the conflict, and we just kinda… figured the whole thing out,” said first-year sociology major Brett Mackman. “I mean, like it was pretty obvious.”
The students reportedly arrived at a definitive solution to the conflict after talking it over for about 80 minutes. It would have been quicker, but students kept prefacing their statements with “just to reiterate what was previously said,” which ate up a fair amount of air time.
“Yeah, it was pretty clear that people were padding their solutions to the problem in order to boost their participation grade,” said second-year Mackenzie Chan. “I honestly think I spent most of the class just playing online solitaire.” she added, before describing a working two-state solution that respected both parties’ sovereignty.
The resolution devised by the class was based on the political theories of Thomas Hobbes (or at least the four chapters of Leviathan that had been assigned the night before). The crux of the solution rested on two main points:
- The people who are mad at each other should stop being mad at each other
- And if people are still mad, they should refer back to point one
At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”
