OP- ED: What am I Thankful for? Being Hot

Greetings Nerds! It is finally November in the clusterfuck that is 2020. Normally this time of year would be about families coming together and celebrating their gratitude. But due to COVID-19 restrictions, this has become impossible for many people across the country. Nevertheless, I believe we could all benefit from the appreciation of our surroundings. When I was a kid, my grandmother would ask me to write down what I was thankful for each year. In the past, I have been thankful for my friends and my family, but this year I am thankful for something else: being really fucking hot. 

I never discovered my attractiveness until quarantine. Being surrounded by only members of my family for months made me realize that in order to survive I needed to adapt. My thirteen-year-old sister has purple braces and scoliosis and my father only listens to Jimmy Buffet. Being surrounded by uggos initially made me convinced that I, through genetics, was destined to their same fate. I eventually blocked out these anxieties through self-reflection. My form of self-reflection is unconventional. I do not think about myself in a critical way, I instead stare at myself in a reflection like it is Narcissis’ pool for hours each day. This has made me realize that god does have favorites, and by making people attractive God is inviting a person to the elementary school peanut free table of heaven. 

However, this year has been anything but easy for the conventionally attractive. A mask covers half my face which has made it unfeasible to safely and casually show people that I possess the facial features of an after photo for a Los Angeles plastic surgeon. I attempted to join Model UN only to find out it was not a group of hot international fashion people, but instead was a group of theatre dorks who read The Economist. Additionally, Zoom classes are a nightmare. Last week in my humanities discussion, my TA forced me to turn off my camera because too many students were “pinning my screen” instead of listening to his lecture on The Odyssey. This only caused more of an uproar as my classmates kept chanting “we want Hoe-mer not Homer” until he reluctantly turned my camera back on.

Despite all of this, I am still proudly pretty. In recent years, beautiful people like me have been under attack. Our society has evolved into Plato’s allegory of the cave except the shadows on the wall are your twitter mutuals telling you Ed Sheeran and Post Malone are hot. I have bravely taken it as my duty to free people from this cave. Everyday day I post gorgeous pictures of myself on the internet to remind people that while the shadows are not real, my Grecian bone structure and ass that NEVER quits is <3. So while all of you losers are having horrible Thanksgiving, I am going to be grateful and instead have a Whore-ible Thanksgiving.