University of Chicago Compiles First Database of “Things That Are Not Sandwiches”

By Sam Spiegel

Jan. 3, 2013

Marking a great stride forward for the advancement of the human race, researchers at the University of Chicago recently announced that they had finished compiling a database of all things that are not sandwiches.

Colin McHenry, lead researcher on the project, believes that the implications of such a database are unfathomable. ““Now, whenever someone wants to know whether or not something is a sandwich, they need only look at this database,”” he said. “This catalog is so comprehensive that we believe it will be used for at least the next hundred years.”

The entire database consists of approximately a quarter billion entries, though with user input, the researchers expect that number to rise to well over 300 million.

Though it took, in total, decades of work and millions upon millions of dollars in both public and private funding, the database is now up and running at thingsthatarenotsandwiches.tumblr.com.

““The government was a big supporter of this project from the start,”” said Michael Kim, an assistant researcher on the project. ““The Defense Department especially realized how useful this tool could be, and funneled millions of dollars to us.””

The researchers attempted to make the project as user-friendly as possible; one need only type a word in the search box. For example, if you were to type in “Yellowstone National Park,” you would get the result ““No, that is not a sandwich.””

Things are not always as straightforward as that, however. This reporter has found several glitches in the system. If you were to type in “Monte Cristo,” the entire program freezes, as that it is both the name of a sandwich (a delicious fried or grilled ham, egg, and cheese sandwich) as well as several geographic locations. Researchers on the project have responded that they are attempting to fix these problems.

Though this database is complete, the project itself is far from done. “”While we are thrilled to have finally finished the TTANS database,” we realize our greatest challenge is still ahead,” said McHenry. “”This is just one part of a larger project: to compile a database of Things That Are Not Eaten With Bread.””