March Madness overtakes nation: Millions stabbed and bludgeoned to death in streets
By Ben Boyajian
Feb. 24, 2013
Sunday morning, pandemonium reigned throughout the nation as citizens stabbed and bludgeoned each other to death in the streets. The cause of the killings remains unknown, but is suspected to be the advent of the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championship. The occurrence of so many decisive college basketball games in a short span of time has apparently caused millions of people to lose their sanity, a phenomenon scientists are calling “March Madness.”
“What we are seeing here is a collective response to the political and social unrest that the basketball championship has brought about,” explained UChicago sociology professor Erin Goodwin. “The opportunity for 68 teams to compete induces a level of instability not seen since the end of World War II. Furthermore, the possibility that any of these teams could win the championship instills a notion in the mind of the average citizen that he or she could win the metaphorical championship of our contemporary political world. In fact—” Goodwin collapsed as a random passerby hit her on the head with a tire iron.
However, others have suggested that frustration over attempts to predict the outcome of the championship games has led to March Madness. “It all started a few days ago, when my friends and I were filling out our brackets,” explained third year undergraduate Jeff Collins. “I predicted that Indiana would win the whole thing, but a bunch of my friends thought that Kentucky would win. Of course, I couldn’t let them disagree with me, so I got out my butcher knife, and the rest is a long story. Curse you, Indiana people! Kill! Kill! Kill!”
The general consensus appears to be that March Madness is a negative turn of events and will probably hurt the economy for months to come. However, others are enthusiastic about the unexpected response at the basketball championship from the public. “I think that March Madness will benefit the college basketball industry for years to come,” proclaimed sports analyst Greg Anthony. “The fact that people are willing to kill and die over these games shows how important basketball has become to them. In addition, I predict this will greatly expand our fan base. Before now, there were probably a lot of people who either hadn’t heard of the NCAA or just didn’t care about us. Now everyone’s going to know who we are.”
Chicago Police Department Officer Thomas O’Keefe was assigned to handle all crimes in Chicago related to March Madness. O’Keefe was last observed calmly sitting in his car, munching on a doughnut.
