Birds Elect to Freeze Rather Than Migrate to Florida

By Terry Hines

Dec. 24, 2013

This winter, America’s migratory birds have chosen to try their luck with the freezing temperatures of the North rather than face the state of Florida.

The plethora of issues putting doubt in the minds of birds this year include George Zimmerman, face-eating residents, home-swallowing streets, publicly-masturbating residents, and cocaine-using Congressmen.

Young birds have not been shy about expressing their feelings over social media. One hooded warbler tweeted, “I’m not confident migrating to my gated community with my appearance and George Zimmerman out on the streets of Florida to play fashion police.”

The state poses many health hazards to the feathered members of the animal kingdom. Two young men were arrested last year for stealing their neighbor’s pet turkey and cooking it for Thanksgiving Dinner. Larger bird communities have decided they would rather freeze than burn in the oven of Floridians who have yet to discover grocery stores. The same birds are also hesitant to make the move because the 52 -ear-old Florida resident who was arrested for riding a manatee may be shifting her sights to birds her brush with the law.

The birds that in the past have made their vacation homes on the Sunshine State’s golf courses are wary of the possible health hazards that come with these destinations. One meadowlark gave his reason for deciding to stay in the sub-zero ruins of Detroit instead of migrating to Florida: “A little girl was electrocuted to death on a mini-golf course in Florida, and mini-golf courses are made for little girlshermini. I don’t want to find out how they treat their temporary residents.”

Other birds have expressed reservations about the quality of care they would receive in Florida. “The retirees in Florida aren’t getting any younger, and their memories aren’t getting any better. The bird feeders are getting filled less and less often. The kids start to feel bad, so they bring the grandkids around, and we just become chopped liver to our former caretakers,” a mockingbird lamented.

The former migration destination has become the butt of jokes, taking West Virginia’s long-held “Worst State” crown. West Virginia unfortunately could not receive the news by phone, as their governor was still on the Internet.