Boyer to Reopen Anatomy Department in His Basement

By Walker King

Feb. 22, 2014

Speaking to members of the press yesterday,University Dean John Boyer announced that the University of Chicago would be reopening its anatomy department in the basement of Boyer’s private residence on 53rd and Harper Avenue.

The university’s anatomy department, which has been closed since 1973, when it was deemed “no longer relevant,” will be one of the few remaining such departments in the country, and the only one operating out of a residential basement.

“I’m very excited about this prospect,” said Boyer, licking his lips. “Finally, a chance to really learn about anatomy. This is going to be great.”

It remains unclear whether classes will be offered to both graduate and undergraduate students, but Boyer asserted that all who wish to learn about the subject will be welcomed into his basement.

“Grad, undergrad, tourist, it doesn’t really matter,” he said. “Everyone’s got anatomy, right? All are welcome. All are welcome.” The Dean then gave the assembled audience a warm, wide smile without speaking for three minutes.

Boyer also said that the new curriculum, which is to be designed by the Dean and an unnamed “panel of experts” will include a wide array of topics, including “organs,” “fluids,” and “tastes.”

The program is as of yet unaccredited, but Boyer was confident that instruction could begin immediately.

“Come on by to my basement, I’ve set everything up just right,” Boyer said in his final remarks. “Remember to bring your scalpel and be ready for some serious instruction, because we’ve got a lot of learning to do together, don’t we?”

Dean Boyer was last seen inside his house, peering through the drawn blinds and rubbing his hands together in anticipation of his first student.