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May 26, 2015
n Exclusive Interview with my Least Favorite NeighborYou waited months and months, and The Chicago Shady Dealer finally got hold of him. I sat down with none other than Bennett—, who is by far my worst neighbor, and the reason I avoid ever checking the mail. He collects toy horses and won’t shut up about his one trip to Spain that one time.
Interviewer: Milena Pross, Chicago of The Shady Dealer
Interviewee: Bennett, the human compost bin who lives down the street from meInterview
Setting: A driveway equidistant from both of our homes(Start of Interview)
SD: Hey, Bennett, how are you?
B: Pretty good, and. yYou? You’re back from college? How’s that going?
SD: None of your business, Bennett. What do you think of the weather?
B: It’s a little gloomy…. nNot a whole lot of sunshine today.
SD: And whose fault is that?
B: I don’t know if we can really blame the clouds on anyone.…
SD: It’s your fault, Bennett. You did this to us.
B: Okay...
SD: Okay. So I hate to break it to you, but word on the street is that everyone wants you evicted. Just thinking about you makes me clench my fists.
B: What? But I’m the president of the neighborhood watch!
SD: Not for long,. Not once we expose the truth. Are the rumors true? Do you have sex with pPop-Ttarts® for sport?
B: Absolutely not! You always ask me that and every time I swear to you, the answer is no!
SD: There you have it, folks, right from the mouth of the PTartpop-Ttart-fucker himself. Tell me more about your hobbies, Bennett.
B: Well, I’m actually glad you asked. I have a priceless collection of toy horses that I spend hours restoring each day—
SD: You are the king of all that is awful and I spit on your lawn in my dreams.
B: These don’t seem like standard interview questions for your school paper.
SD: When I think of your name and ancestry I have thisexperience a primal urge to throw things at you, your toy horses, and your many bird baths.
B: I don’t think there’s any need to get violent.
SD: Well, it was great talking with you today. , iIt’s been a real pleasure, and I hope to see you again soon. Take care.(End of Interview)
