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March 2, 2016
Thomas Jefferson Middle School has seen the development of a new clique in recent weeks. Styling themselves as “Super Tuesday,” the group of spiteful and exclusionary middle schoolers has reportedly monopolized the only good lunch table in the cafeteria.
The clique reportedly includes about dozen students, among them Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, and Virginia.
GymPhysical Education teacher Ted Cruz expressed his dismay at the changing hierarchy of the middle school. “Last week, the popular kids were South Carolina and Nevada. The week before that, Iowa and New Hampshire! I can barely keep up with which kids I need to pander to so they think I’m coolit all.”
Other students were baffled by the prevalence of the clique. “I just don’t get what they think is cool. That’s probably why they won’t let me sit with them at lunch,” said student and renowned dork known as Wisconsin. “Why do they like Mr. Trump so much? He’s like the worst social studies teacher ever!”
TJMSJefferson Middle School Vice-pPrincipal Hillary Clinton refused to give a comment to the Shady Dealer, but in an email accidentally forwarded to the entire staff, she downplayed janitorcustodian Bernie Sanders’ concerns that the clique had created an unfair distribution of social clout in the middle school. PrincipalMrs. Clinton added that she would appreciated his support in the upcoming school board election, despite their past differences.
As of press time, the Super Tuesday lunch table had been usurped by a new set of popular students that are dominating lunch-room conversations . .
