![]()
Sept. 9, 2016
Burton and Judson
Harry Judson and Ernest Burton, among the University’s first presidents, curmudgeonly float room to room bemoaning what the University has become since they ran the show. Many freshmen have been startled awake by their cries of, “There are too many women’s bathrooms!” and, “The Midway was better as a river!”
South Ghost
Four years ago, the University was visited by a brand new ghost that identified itself by a mere cardinal direction, “South.” The ghost later revealed itself to be the spectral remnants of alumna Renee Granville-Grossman. A friendly and benevolent ghost, Renee has been known to leave game show-sized checks for students who chisel her name into their personal belongings. This ghost hasn’t been sighted in some time, but take a trip down to the haunting cellar of South and you’ll hear its ghostly wailing and moaning emanating from multiple practice rooms at the same time.
The Ghosts of Max Palevsky What’s that? The approaching sound of hovering break dancing? It’s the Palevsky Crew! These retro ghosts have been haunting the Max Palevsky dorms since the 80’s wearing matching tracksuits of clashing colors. They can be heard getting down in stairwells to a mash up of “Beat It,” “Like a Virgin,” and “Come on Eileen.” The Ghost of John Rockefeller (in the Chapel)
On dreary weekday mornings when the space hasn’t been rented to a wedding party, John D. Rockefeller haunts his own mausoleum, which was erected in honor of an ambiguous deity that probably likes money or something. The ghost of vicious oil tycoon turned vicious philanthropist John D. Rockefeller is one of the University’s many melancholy presences; it spends most of its time cursing the Sherman Anti-Trust Act and being harassed by ghost unions rioting for collective booganing rights.
The Ghost of Milton Freedman (Saieh)
The lights go out, the door is locked, he sits in the corner silently. His eyes fixate on the TV showing Fox Business Channel. The ghost of Milton Friedman comes here to unrest every night after Starbucks closes. He texts Maggie Thatcher’s ghost, “U up?” and awaits the response that never comes. He goes back to waving his miasmatic hands before the television hoping, believing, needing to know, that his invisible hand is at the market’s wheel. He grasps at the wispy Presidential Medal of Freedom that Reagan gave him. It is gold, but being translucent it has no monetary value… How he wishes to be rid of it.
A Harmless Concrete Ghost (the Reg) This ghost has no name; that is, unless you can pronounce the sound of concrete drying while someone nearby reads in silence. Like all Common North American Concrete Spirits, it sought ought the nearest limestone monolith in which to nest and feed on cellphone signals and concrete. It has since engulfed most of the building’s top two floors while going entirely unnoticed through the help of its brutalist camouflage and its unique ability to communicate by whispering.A Research Ghost (Crerar)
Amidst a pile of papers and medical journals, a ghost known only as professor Brendon F. Whittaby haunts group study room 220R. Originally, he was thought to be bound to this earth by an unfinished dissertation, but he has kept the same reservation every week for over twenty years, becoming more pale, wrinkly, and spooky with every sighting. Attempts to communicate have been met with little more than polite shushing and directions to the nearest restroom.
*Editor’s note – Upon further investigation, B.F. Whittaby was confirmed to be a living and tenured Professor of Pharmacology.
Ghost of Debts Past (Bursar’s Office)
A suit clad specter emerges from Levi Hall at the start of every quarter, though a week later than initially promised. Holding a list of delinquent students and graduates, he approaches the bursar’s office. There he will aggregate the debts and fees which he is owed and forge them into a chain, link by link. The debtless horseman rides out to deliver them dorm by dorm and three story walk up by three story walk up. His victims will awake unaware that they have been visited until, slowly but surely, a mostly accurate list of charges appears on my.uchicago.edu and an invisible chain has been wrapped tight around their pocketbooks and future earning potential.
An Entire Lecture Hall Full of Ghosts (Kent)Kent Lecture Hall is rarely full to capacity. Except when the vernal equinox falls on the night of a half moon, that is. On these rare nights, the silhouettes of students fill every chair and the large shadow of a professor darts around the table at the front. He writes on the board in a dead language. These are the disturbed remnants of an entire Hume section that tragically perished when the students rushed the professor to be added to the roster. The resulting stampede for seats in the class cascaded over each row of seats in the class like some twisted game of human dominos. Years passed, and Kent was rebuilt on the same sight, with no consideration for the class buried beneath it. It is assumed they will continue to reconvene as long as the lecture hall remains on their cursed burial ground. A Haunted and Unused Espresso Machine in Cobb
8 am class in Cobb? No worries! Just head over to Cobb Café the cobb coffee shopfor a snack served with attitude. But don’t even dare to imagine thinking about getting anywhere near to opening the door to the back room. Inside, bolted to the floor for everyone’s safety, is the old espresso maker. Once considered the best dispenser of hot & bitter bean juice, it now sits unused and untouched in a puddle of its own ethereal espresso. Beginning in 1994, the machine would scream in terrible agony for days at a time, only to emit a coffee colored nectar that could keep anyone alert and focused without giving them the jitters. It was an instant hit until patrons discovered how difficult it made sleeping by painting the insides of their eyelids with tormenting and ironic visions.
The Holy Ghost (Div School)
The University’s oldest spirit has was first cited in the holy Bible at the Baptism of Jesus. The Holy Ghost, part of a trinity in God the father with Jesus Christ his only son, takes many forms. It appears, most frequently, as a dove ruining the building’s façade with guano, or as flaming tongues over the heads of grad students defending their theses. A guiding force for those in need, the Holy Ghost is probably the only ghost students actively seek out, typically when praying they have enough loose change in their backpack for a muffin because the Grounds of BeingDiv School Café doesn’t take electronic payment like every other business.
Rat Ghosts (Bio Labs)
Rats! Little cute horrifying Rat Ghosts! The biology labs have seen untold generations of rats pass through their research gauntlet. As a result of nuclear ectoplasmic research done in the 40’s, anything that dies in the building lives on, torn between our world and the abyss. These wretched little fur balls would be a lot more adorable if it weren’t for the scars, diseases, and wounds they endured for the cause of science. With more rats tested on every year, their numbers have grown steadily and come to present a serious obstacle to further testing. But there is hope in the assembly of supernatural specialists and conventional exterminators to collaborate on a trans-dimensional mousetrap.Ghost of ‘The Author’ (Rosenwald)The Author was first seen on campus in 1967 when Roland Barthes pronounced it dead in his landmark essay “The Death of the Author.” Though Primarily confined to Rosenwald, the ghost of the author has been sighted in a number of different English classrooms around the quad. It appears in the guise of several deceased writers and enjoys taunting first years for their poor observation and deduction skills. Stuffed with biographical information and socio-historical context, this ghost could interpret anything. Mixed Media Ghost (Logan)The Logan Center’s resident apparition takes numerous forms; it has appeared on stage, wandered through finished paintings, and snuck messages into numerous films and songs. After sensing it once, an art patron will begin to see, hear, taste, and feel it in their favorite shows, songs, dishes, and textures for as long as a year in some cases. The ghost’s purpose and intentions remained unclear until a devised theater piece mimicking a séance accidentally made contact, revealing that the Mixed Media Ghost is likely the disembodied angst of an artist who died without finding their medium of choice. Now, it is forever cursed to be replicated in new media through the minds of its victims.
