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Nov. 25, 2016
In an attempt to remain a global and healthy cereal brand, Kellogg’s introduced “Rasputin-O’s” in Russia. While expecting the cereal to be a nutritious and delicious hit with kids, sales for the cereal flopped.
“We saw the ridiculous, mystical, mysterious story of Rasputin, how he was connected to the czar, and had an awesome beard, and thought, ‘how could this not sell?’” said Kellogg’s Rregional Cchief Didier Azpilicueta. Rather, sales for the cereal were the worst of any cereal Kellogg’s has yet released.
“But we put in at least 9 grams of whole grain and 10 vitamins and minerals a serving. We put all the cereal buzzwords on the box – what’s wrong with people?” asked Azpilicueta desperately.
In order to market the cereal to children, Kellogg’s adjusted the image of the mysterious, mythicized, enigmatic Rasputin to a cute, chubby “Mr. Raspy” and adjusted flavorings of the cereal to resemble its mascot.
“Considering Rasputin was tossed in a river multiple times and poisoned with cyanide and yet survived both, our cereal stays afloat and crunchy no matter how much milk you put in it,” said Azpilicueta. “Actually, scratch the milk part – ‘“Rasputin-O’s‘“ were made to taste best with slightly dirty, cold tap water, which is pretty common given Russian infrastructure.”
As of the release of this article, Russian President Vladimir Putin has asked for a total recall of “Rasputin-O’s” and a deletion of the “Ras” from their name. Azpilicueta was unavailable for future comment, and as of last contact, he was reported to “be going for a swim in the Volga for a very extended period of time.”
