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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Just Wanna Find Someone to Have the Lady and the Tramp Kiss With, But With a Line of Blow Instead of Spaghetti

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Dec. 5, 2018 Ah yes, the shining moment in one of the best of Disney’s nineties Golden Age films, a breaking down of class barriers between rascally mutts and elegant Cocker…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mother Nature Divorces Mankind, Seeks Custody of the Moon

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By John Logan Buterbaugh Nov. 2, 2018 In a move right out of your childhood, Mother Nature ended her 300,000 year old relationship with Mankind following the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s shocking…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Blue Chips Disbands to Better Maintain Its Exclusivity

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Rahul Gupta Oct. 26, 2018 In the logical conclusion of a prolonged struggle over the core values of the University of Chicago, the Blue Chips announced their dissolution late last week. The heads…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Humanitarian of the Year Will Show Dining Staff Respect, Courtesy Until Second Week

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Andy Hatem Sept. 24, 2018   Some start work before the sun is up. Others don’t leave until well past midnight. The work isn’t easy; staff are always on their feet, and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Farewell Letter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By The Editors May 25, 2018 Dearest Reader(s),     Over the past year, we have had the humbling, back-breaking honor of serving as Editors-in-Chief for the Chicago Shady Dealer, and we want…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters Refuse To Believe They Evolved From Humans

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman May 5, 2018 Terra, 3708 Following the Council Of the Wise’s decision to introduce evolution into breeding pod curriculum, the Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters has formally announced their refusal to acknowledge…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Cobb Cafe Art Installation to Close

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North April 20, 2018 Cobb Cafe Art Installation The experimental student art installation “Cobb Cafe,” located in the basement of the historic Cobb Lecture Hall (5811 S. Ellis), will close this week.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Just Drink the Damn Tea

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Te Amo Feb. 20, 2018 Te Amo Boba Bar Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all, you sniveling chumps. “Ugh, Te Amo’s so expensive”; “Why do I have to pay extra for boba?”;…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The White on White Crimes You Need to Know

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Deb Mukerjee Jan. 29, 2018 Losing your friends in the snow Look, it happens. It’s cold and windy and we’re all wearing four pairs of pants and scarves over our seeing sockets.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Reasons I Cannot Go Back To Miami (The Deliciously Forbidden City)

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Oct. 17, 2017 Home of the day-ger, land of the neon bikini: – Miami, my Garden of Eden, I can never return to you. “Settled in the valley of two…

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  • Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
  • Top 10 Places to Cry on Campus
  • House Council Begs First Years to Carry On Legacy
  • First Year accidentally goes to bed before 3 AM, profusely apologizes
  • Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains
  • “Yes, I’m a Baller” Says Mamdani After Cuomo Accuses Him of Being LeBron James in Disguise

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