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I Just Wanna Find Someone to Have the Lady and the Tramp Kiss With, But With a Line of Blow Instead of Spaghetti
By Nico Aldape Dec. 5, 2018 Ah yes, the shining moment in one of the best of Disney’s nineties Golden Age films, a breaking down of class barriers between rascally mutts and elegant Cocker…
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Mother Nature Divorces Mankind, Seeks Custody of the Moon
By John Logan Buterbaugh Nov. 2, 2018 In a move right out of your childhood, Mother Nature ended her 300,000 year old relationship with Mankind following the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s shocking…
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Blue Chips Disbands to Better Maintain Its Exclusivity
By Rahul Gupta Oct. 26, 2018 In the logical conclusion of a prolonged struggle over the core values of the University of Chicago, the Blue Chips announced their dissolution late last week. The heads…
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Humanitarian of the Year Will Show Dining Staff Respect, Courtesy Until Second Week
By Andy Hatem Sept. 24, 2018 Some start work before the sun is up. Others don’t leave until well past midnight. The work isn’t easy; staff are always on their feet, and…
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A Farewell Letter
By The Editors May 25, 2018 Dearest Reader(s), Over the past year, we have had the humbling, back-breaking honor of serving as Editors-in-Chief for the Chicago Shady Dealer, and we want…
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Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters Refuse To Believe They Evolved From Humans
By Ryan Fleishman May 5, 2018 Terra, 3708 Following the Council Of the Wise’s decision to introduce evolution into breeding pod curriculum, the Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters has formally announced their refusal to acknowledge…
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Cobb Cafe Art Installation to Close
By David North April 20, 2018 Cobb Cafe Art Installation The experimental student art installation “Cobb Cafe,” located in the basement of the historic Cobb Lecture Hall (5811 S. Ellis), will close this week.…
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Just Drink the Damn Tea
By Te Amo Feb. 20, 2018 Te Amo Boba Bar Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all, you sniveling chumps. “Ugh, Te Amo’s so expensive”; “Why do I have to pay extra for boba?”;…
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The White on White Crimes You Need to Know
By Deb Mukerjee Jan. 29, 2018 Losing your friends in the snow Look, it happens. It’s cold and windy and we’re all wearing four pairs of pants and scarves over our seeing sockets.…
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10 Reasons I Cannot Go Back To Miami (The Deliciously Forbidden City)
By Antonia Salisbury Oct. 17, 2017 Home of the day-ger, land of the neon bikini: – Miami, my Garden of Eden, I can never return to you. “Settled in the valley of two…