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Study Finds Most Men Would Be Gay if it Weren’t for the Penis
By Chris Deakin Oct. 24, 2014 According to joint working group of New York University neurologists and sociologists, almost 98% of men claim that they would engage in all manner of homosexual activity…
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Ask Disastrously Misapplied Nietszche
By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 Dear Disastrously Misapplied Nietzsche, My boyfriend won’t stop emailing with his ex. He told me that he’d stopped talking to her, but I logged on to his…
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I’m So Pumped for Scab Hunt
By Morgan Pantuck April 20, 2014 When I applied to college, I toured a lot of impressive campuses. But UChicago was different. More exciting, somehow. Initially, I loved the intellectual atmosphere and “quirky”…
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Humor Magazine Kid Won’t Stop Talking About Incest
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 24, 2014 According to sources at the University of Chicago Humor Magazine, this one kid will just not stop suggesting articles about incest. The phenomenon began in December 2013,…
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Liebniz Throws Apple at Newton
By Matthew Goldenberg (1685) Jan. 25, 2014 The scientific community of Europe is in uproar this week after hearing that Gottfried Leibniz threw an apple at Isaac Newtonon this this last Tuesday. The…
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Scientists Confirm with 99% Certainty that Struggle is Real
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 Particle physicists working at CERN Laboratories have just confirmed the existence of the Struggle, the fundamental particle initially theorized in 1963 by Peter Struggle which completes the…
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Phil Per Class Discussion Reaches Climax
By Zach Augustine Nov. 9, 2013 A quickie recap of last week’s Hum class group project developed into a heated and extended session last Tuesday. Eyewitness reports indicate that Atticus Bloom and Richard…
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Perfectly acceptable pause in conversation ruined by someone saying, “This is Awkward”
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 18, 2013 A perfectly acceptable pause in conversation was ruined last Tuesday when first-year Dwight Mulligan blurted out his singularly unnecessary catchphrase: “Well, uh… this is awkward.” It began…
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First Year Finalizes List of RSOs she’s not going to join
By Matthew Goldenberg Aug. 2, 2013 Incoming first-year student Patricia Lewis has announced that she has decided which Registered Student Organizations she wants to join and, more importantly, the ones she doesn’t want…
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Immortal Nietzsche Pretty Hyped About Space Travel
By Zachary Augustine May 27, 2013 CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – Your favorite punk philosopher is “super pumped” to board the space shuttle, sources confirm. Nietzsche, best known for defeating God in a “fisticuffs…
