By Becky Stoner Nov. 9, 2013 “It’s like you took Locks of Love and No Shave November, mashed them together in a blender on ICE setting, and came up with the charity Alopecians…

By Chris Deakin Oct. 29, 2013 Through the Ryerson Telescope (in focus) Bathroom mirror of your TA’s place In the Smart Museum, touching the Rothko In your dorm room, with the Christmas lights…

By Becky Stoner Sept. 9, 2013 This O-Week, I will: Grow: · 1 (one) inch, 3 (three) pounds Mature: · Mention the word loins during only one (1) icebreaker. Synergize: ·Curate one (1)…

By Maya Handa May 28, 2013 First-year Amelia McDonald lost her left leg, both hands, and then her head this morning after participating in her first munera—a gladiator-style fight to the death—on Eckhart…

By Woodlawn Resident April 27, 2013 I’ve been expressing strong desires for a number of things recently. I said I’d like the University to acquire and develop less than one hundred percent of…

By Maya Handa Feb. 27, 2013 The value of the Maroon dollar has inflated by 5000 percent after the most recent closing of the Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons prompted the university to…

By Jeremy Archer Feb. 4, 2013 JERUSALEM (AP): Sources close to the Messiah report the peculiar outline of toast on the face of the Lady Marian, mother of Jesus Christ. Machir, 34, a…

By Alexander Dunlap Jan. 3, 2013 UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – United States Secretary of Energy Steven Chu died at 10:38pm last night in an undisclosed hospital emergency room, according to a statement released by…

By Sam Spiegel Nov. 12, 2012 In coordinated and simultaneous raids on all three campus dining halls, the University of Chicago Police Department has arrested upwards of 50 people linked to a food-smuggling…

By Mark Boykin Oct. 22, 2012 In another highly publicized litigious maneuver for the Cupertino-based tech firm, Apple has filed suit against Greek mathematician and philosopher Pythagoras for copyright infringement, claiming that Pythagoras…