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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Arley D. Cathey buys naming rights to student

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hannah Gitlin Oct. 21, 2012 Students at the University of Chicago were surprised when, on October 5th, University alumnus Arley D. Cathey, Ph.B ’50, acquired the naming rights to Eric Greene, a…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Santa Looking to Split Uber from Midway

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Emily Feigenbaum Dec. 26, 2018 image via stuckattheairport.com After a long night of delivering Christmas presents to the bright-eyed children of the world, Santa Claus is heading back home to Hyde Park…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    DC & NYC to Restrict Immigration of Public Policy Majors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Dec. 5, 2018 “Y’all young, broke twenty-somethings are coming into our town and stealing the jobs from all us older broke twenty-somethings,” said District of Columbia resident Sydney Pulisic. “Fuck all of you.”  Pulisic…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Security Alert and Other Musings

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 2, 2018 Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dairy Section at HPP in Strange Transition Between Pumpkin Spice Eggnog and Regular Eggnog

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Oct. 26, 2018 Much like the weather alternating between highs of 70s and 40s each day, or my sleep schedule, the dairy section at seminal food market Hyde Park Produce…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dear Dealer: How Do I Handle my Podcast-Crazy Roomie?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dirk Lazenby Sept. 24, 2018   Dear Shady Dealer, During some routine Facebook stalking I discovered that my soon-to-be-roommate is a podcast fanatic. I don’t want to be rude or close-minded, but…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Spring Has Sprung: Fijis Quit Breastfeeding for Solid Food

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury May 25, 2018 Frarty season is upon us, and you know what that means: barbecued mashed peas and a banana yogurt ice luge.  The Dealer began its reporting at the Fiji…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Graduate Students United Rally Disperses After Pinkerton Detectives Open Fire

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Lastres May 5, 2018  An artist’s rendition of the fatal rally Hyde Park, 1892 In a bid to regain control of campus following more than a week of unrest, University administrators…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Disgusting Sewer Mutants Emerge During Night to Write UChicago Secrets

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 20, 2018 Investigative journalists for the Chicago Shady Dealer have discovered the source of the grotesque and inflammatory posts frequently submitted to the popular UChicago Secrets Facebook page: a…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Who’s Left? 5 Celebrities You Can Still Worship

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson Feb. 20, 2018 It’s been a revealing few months for celebrity worshippers out there. With a slew of scandals and abuse stories coming out, you might be wondering: who’s left…

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Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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