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CPD Aims to Strengthen Community Relationships with “Fuck the Police” Initiative
By Alex Dunlap March 1, 2015 The Chicago Police Department announced this week a groundbreaking initiative that aims to “rethink the way that citizens interact with their police force,” according to a statement…
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Swedish Teens Not Very Excited About Swedish Beatles
By Chris Deakin Feb. 1, 2015 In what comes as surprising news for record executives and music critics alike, the young people of Sweden have not responded to the Swedish Beatles with the…
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Everyone Around Me Kissing??
By Evan Bernstein Jan. 2, 2015 What?? Why?? I don’t understand!! We were all just standing around having a good time and then- what?? Everyone started kissing! Each other! With their mouths! They’re…
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Uber Driver Crosses into Non-Delightful Racism
By Si Squires-Kasten Nov. 26, 2014 During a ride Thursday morning to Logan International Airport, Uber driver Travis Murphy moved without warning from lighthearted racial observations into what several sources confirms was “flat…
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Maid In China
By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 According to recent reports, area bachelor Aziz Ruffalo’s cleaning woman is currently on vacation in the People’s Republic of China. Ana Vikernes, the maid in question, is…
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I Close Slowly Because I Hate You
By the Reg Elevators Oct. 24, 2014 Mmm, yes. The sweet taste of frustration and the odor of despair. I live for your sorrow. I feast on your tears. You arrive with your…
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First year refers to Everything as “The Quad”
By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 CHICAGO – According to sources familiar with the semantic controversy, University of Chicago first-year Jacob Brinkler has been referring to various campus buildings, outdoor sites, and even…
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Pope Courting Young Voters in Election Year
By Walker King April 20, 2014 Pope Francis made a series of campaign appearances yesterday throughout the Vatican, strongly reaffirming his commitment to seeking the youth vote in the impending Papal election, where…
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Student Viciously Trundles to Class
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 26, 2014 Engaged in a mode of locomotion which can only truly be described as “trundling,” first-year Maxwell Kagan viciously attempted to increase the speed at which he moved…
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War on Drugs Considered After Diplomatic Talks Break Down
By Alexander Dunlap (1971) Jan. 25, 2014 After weeks of bilateral negotiations regarding quitting rights, rates of metabolism, and access to key neurotransmitters, Sarah Rodriguez, United States Ambassador to Drugs, announced last night…
