By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 A crack team of scientists, sociologists, and journalists from the University of Chicago recently have published a report definitively showing that you won’t finish this article because…

By Morgan Pantuck April 23, 2015 I’ll be honest—I’ve never really been a “girly girl.” When other teens were figuring out high heels and accessories, I was belching loudly and watching NASCAR. Actually,…

By Barry March 1, 2015 Guys, sex is like pizza: even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. You know what I mean? Every time I’ve had sex in the past, I was…

By A Particle, Ten Nanoseconds after the Big Bang Feb. 1, 2015 Breakups are hard. One moment you’re sitting comfortably in a singularity with the particles you love. And the next you’re cast…

By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 Classified: Artist Seeks Torture Aspiring artist with privileged upbringing seeks malevolent acts to inspire creative works. Applicants can expect to  Humiliate me in public  Point…

By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 President Zimmer Seeks Word to Describe the University’s Approach to Education Sources close to the Office of the President reported Friday that Robert J. Zimmer, in…

By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 At a quarterly conference on seasonal fashion held Wednesday, the president of Omega Phi Pi announced that raccoons are officially “in” for winter. As a consequence, the…

By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 A report released Thursday by the University’s Health Promotion and Wellness department confirmed that several puppies brought onto campus as part of the Pet Love program have…

By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The Human Cannonball has entered the canon, observers report. The release of The Cannonball has been heralded as “a major event in the world of entertainment” for…

By Evan Bernstein April 20, 2014 1. 1991 2. 1992 3. 1993 4. 1994 5. 1995 6. 1996 7. 1997 8. 1998 9. 1999 10. 2000 11. 2001 12. 2002 14. 2003 15.…