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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Apple sues Pythagoras, claims triangle is half iPhone

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Boykin Oct. 22, 2012 In another highly publicized litigious maneuver for the Cupertino-based tech firm, Apple has filed suit against Greek mathematician and philosopher Pythagoras for copyright infringement, claiming that Pythagoras…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Emily Feigenbaum Jan. 23, 2019 Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Pretend to be Thankful Even Though Deep Down You’re a Brat

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Audrey Fromson Nov. 22, 2018   If you’re having trouble suppressing the brat in you this Thanksgiving, you’re not alone. Read on to find out how to fake it until you make…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Into Bad Boys? Then Check out Todd: The Guy Who Throws Paper Towels All over the Fucking Ground in Harper

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diego Mansplane Nov. 2, 2018 Tired of always making your friends and family proud? Does your love life need a little danger? Then allow us to introduce you to Todd: the guy…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ariana Grande Add/Drops Pete Davidson

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diego Matamoros Oct. 15, 2018   After weeks of sleepless nights, emotional highs and lows, and one pet pig, the predictions of her academic advisor finally came to fruition: pop star Ariana…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By News Desk Sept. 5, 2018   At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett’s Class Day Speech

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By None May 25, 2018   I can almost see itThat dream I’m dreaming butThere’s a voice inside my head sayingYou’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Curveball! MAB Announces a Two-Hour Phone Call with Your Disappointed Parents Will Headline Summer Breeze!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dealer News Desk April 25, 2018 Summer Breeze In a surprise twist, UChicago’s Major Activities Board has announced that its annual Summer Breeze Concert will be headlined by a two-hour phone call…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Prosss Feb. 25, 2018 As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle…

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Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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