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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Optimus Parm food truck sells Italian food, fights crime

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Nov. 12, 2012 In recent days, Hyde Park’s food truck craze has taken on a new dimension: the endless war against evil. A new red-and-blue cart can be found sitting…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Straw Man Sick of Being Attacked All the Time

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Scott Mendelssohn Oct. 24, 2012 Like many Americans, Ray Balgier is not pleased with this presidential election cycle. He, like a growing number of his peers, is a straw man, a group…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega Jan. 29, 2019 Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sexually Repressed First-Years Upset Over Record Low Numbers of “Turkey Drop” Break-Ups

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marc Whyte Nov. 25, 2018 Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Max Palevsky to Donate Another Fifteen Dollars for New Dorm

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Patrick Sheehan Nov. 2, 2018 Citing the success of his last “micro-donation,” Max Palevsky has decided to devote another fifteen dollars to open a new complex of dormitories at UChicago. President Zimmer,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Second Year Attempts to Leave Class for Bathroom, Several Hundred Grad Students Join

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Olivia Reeves Oct. 18, 2018   At 11:03 this morning, second year Callie Plimmer found more support than she anticipated behind her choice to leave Gender Civ to use the bathroom, when…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Unveils New “Disorientation” Week

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018   In an arguably predictable turn of events this week, the UChicago Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison announced that the College would no longer be holding…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Government: U-PASS to Be Replaced by U-BER

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester May 25, 2018   Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ask Grorg

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Grorg – Lascaux, 45,000 BCE May 1, 2018 Dear Grorg, Me Want Relationship, But Only Man Around Is Neanderthal. Still hit? From: Cavewoman Seeking Caveman Hello Cavewoman, As somebody who have Neanderthal…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Need a Cover Letter Template? The Shady Dealer Has You Covered

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jack Toole April 20, 2018 Dear Sir or Madam: It is my wish that you gainfully employ me at your institution. My entire life has been filled with a deep and abiding…

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  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War

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