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University Fraternities Launch New Breathalyzer Program
By Daniel Betancourt Sept. 15, 2013 Following the startling success of last year’s “Beer and Bowl Buyback Days”, the University of Chicago revealed in a press release Friday that it plans to work…
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Terms of Your Lease You Will Regret Not Reading
By Diane Zimmerman May 29, 2013 The lease for your new apartment is one of the most important legal documents that you will skim during your time in college. To help you bear…
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President Zimmer Occupies Admin Building: demands less transparency, less student input
By James Ekstrom April 28, 2013 This morning, at 8:00 a.m., University staff attempting to begin work at the University Administration Building found the doors and ground-floor windows locked and barricaded from the…
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Japanese Study Finds “Whales are delicious”
By DJ LoBraico March 4, 2013 A 900-year, longitudinal study conducted by the Institute of Cetacean Research in Japan has found that whale meat is “really tasty” and “worth decimating the entire remaining…
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Magellan’s Crew: Wouldn’t it have been cooler if the Earth was flat?
By Matthew Goldenberg Feb. 4, 2013 1522 – Breaking their silence for the first time in the three weeks since returning from their circumnavigation of the Earth, members of Captain Ferdinand Magellan’s crew…
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Population of Canada composed solely of dissatisfied Americans
By James Ekstrom Jan. 7, 2013 Anthropologists and political scientists the world over were shocked, this past week, to discover that the population of Canada consists solely of American expatriates. Overturning previous assumptions…
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New Optimus Parm food truck sells Italian food, fights crime
By Daniel Moattar Nov. 12, 2012 In recent days, Hyde Park’s food truck craze has taken on a new dimension: the endless war against evil. A new red-and-blue cart can be found sitting…
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Straw Man Sick of Being Attacked All the Time
By Scott Mendelssohn Oct. 24, 2012 Like many Americans, Ray Balgier is not pleased with this presidential election cycle. He, like a growing number of his peers, is a straw man, a group…
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All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture
By Thomas Noriega Jan. 29, 2019 Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has…
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Sexually Repressed First-Years Upset Over Record Low Numbers of “Turkey Drop” Break-Ups
By Marc Whyte Nov. 25, 2018 Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family,…
