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Maroon Dollar inflation on par with Zimbabwe’s
By Maya Handa Feb. 27, 2013 The value of the Maroon dollar has inflated by 5000 percent after the most recent closing of the Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons prompted the university to…
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Likeness of Toast Found on Virgin Mary
By Jeremy Archer Feb. 4, 2013 JERUSALEM (AP): Sources close to the Messiah report the peculiar outline of toast on the face of the Lady Marian, mother of Jesus Christ. Machir, 34, a…
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State of the Union: Designated survivor dies of alcohol overdose
By Alexander Dunlap Jan. 3, 2013 UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – United States Secretary of Energy Steven Chu died at 10:38pm last night in an undisclosed hospital emergency room, according to a statement released by…
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UCPD attributes increased arrest rates to dedicated dining hall squad
By Sam Spiegel Nov. 12, 2012 In coordinated and simultaneous raids on all three campus dining halls, the University of Chicago Police Department has arrested upwards of 50 people linked to a food-smuggling…
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Apple sues Pythagoras, claims triangle is half iPhone
By Mark Boykin Oct. 22, 2012 In another highly publicized litigious maneuver for the Cupertino-based tech firm, Apple has filed suit against Greek mathematician and philosopher Pythagoras for copyright infringement, claiming that Pythagoras…
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First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’
By Emily Feigenbaum Jan. 23, 2019 Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her…
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How to Pretend to be Thankful Even Though Deep Down You’re a Brat
By Audrey Fromson Nov. 22, 2018 If you’re having trouble suppressing the brat in you this Thanksgiving, you’re not alone. Read on to find out how to fake it until you make…
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Into Bad Boys? Then Check out Todd: The Guy Who Throws Paper Towels All over the Fucking Ground in Harper
By Diego Mansplane Nov. 2, 2018 Tired of always making your friends and family proud? Does your love life need a little danger? Then allow us to introduce you to Todd: the guy…
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Ariana Grande Add/Drops Pete Davidson
By Diego Matamoros Oct. 15, 2018 After weeks of sleepless nights, emotional highs and lows, and one pet pig, the predictions of her academic advisor finally came to fruition: pop star Ariana…
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Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell
By News Desk Sept. 5, 2018 At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute…
