By CNN March 1, 2015 For years, CNN has prided itself on keeping its valued viewers abreast of the latest and most serious threats to their well-being and property. Some have deemed our…

By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 5900 B.C.E. Sources confirmed Monday that Craig Mueller of Dærie, Northern Albijnea, drank the milk of his cow Buttercup early last week. Local authorities were alerted to…

By Christopher Walker Dec. 31, 2014 After more than a decade of research, physicists at Fermilab have concluded that Fox News broadcasts are composed of neither journalism nor entertainment. “The experiment began when…

By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 Free Condoms Removed from Campus as Part of New No Barriers Initiative Dean of Admissions James Nondorf announced Tuesday that, as part of the school’s new…

By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 Lampshade, red with lace edges, purchased last February to replace the one that Andre punched in half when he drank too much tequila. I’m a simple apparatus,…

By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 After a draft Vatican document calling for greater openness towards homosexuals was voted down by the Catholic synod on Saturday, several cardinals expressed relief that Pope Francis’s…

By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The editorial staff of The Chicago Shady Dealer is innocent, the balance of evidence suggests. The evidence, which is largely circumstantial, hinges on an unprovable assertion that…

By Morgan Pantuck April 20, 2014 A young dust cloud at the grocery store with her mother sees a row of gossip magazines lining the checkout counter. She picks up a cover of…

By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 A collaborative research project of the MIT Sloan School of Economics and the University of Chicago’s Becker Friedman Institute claims to have produced an unorthodox solution to…

By Isaac Krone (1947) Jan. 24, 2014 For nearly two hundred and fifty years, since our founding in 1698, it has been our goal to provide the greatest art education in the world…