By Native Advertising Jan. 17, 2017 Seth Blattstein, a spokesman for SteptON, the world’s leading manufacturer of rat poison, has announced this Friday that, while he is aware that the main use of…

By Antonia Salisbury Dec. 29, 2016 How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support Ever since Venmo ruined the “Sorry I Don’t Carry Cash” thing for everybody,–,…

By Nik Varley Nov. 15, 2016 Student’s in Professor Walden’s History of Philosophy class were surprised to learn today that their visiting professor was in fact a swarm of locusts in a tweed…

By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 It’s beginning a lot like Christmas, all over my dorm room’s floor… Every single time I come home from a long night of studying in the Reg,…

By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 Undisclosed members of the Maroon Key Society leaked Monday the administration’s future architecture plans to replace all dorms with ivory towers.   The correlation between the new…

By Ashton Hashemipour Oct. 11, 2016 Quietly scurrying out of the communal bathroom, first-year Carl Smith was seen making his way towards his double roomm, his pockets filled to the brim with condoms.…

By Breck Radulovic Aug. 2, 2016 Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he had received a human heart from a dedicated supporter and Iraq war veteran at Tuesday’s rally in Virginia. Politicos, pundits,…

By Daniel Ruttenberg June 25, 2016 Don’t go changing your flag just yet, because we have an offer for you. You’ve got a vacancy, and we want in. That’s right: The Ruttenberg Family…

By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…

By Ryan Fleishman April 26, 2016 1. Zebras. With their famous black and white stripes, Zebras are essentially angsty, different colored horses. 2. Alpacas. These Peruvian beasts of burden are South America’s horse.…