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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dear Dealer: How Do I Handle my Podcast-Crazy Roomie?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dirk Lazenby Sept. 24, 2018   Dear Shady Dealer, During some routine Facebook stalking I discovered that my soon-to-be-roommate is a podcast fanatic. I don’t want to be rude or close-minded, but…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Spring Has Sprung: Fijis Quit Breastfeeding for Solid Food

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury May 25, 2018 Frarty season is upon us, and you know what that means: barbecued mashed peas and a banana yogurt ice luge.  The Dealer began its reporting at the Fiji…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Graduate Students United Rally Disperses After Pinkerton Detectives Open Fire

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Lastres May 5, 2018  An artist’s rendition of the fatal rally Hyde Park, 1892 In a bid to regain control of campus following more than a week of unrest, University administrators…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Disgusting Sewer Mutants Emerge During Night to Write UChicago Secrets

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 20, 2018 Investigative journalists for the Chicago Shady Dealer have discovered the source of the grotesque and inflammatory posts frequently submitted to the popular UChicago Secrets Facebook page: a…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Who’s Left? 5 Celebrities You Can Still Worship

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson Feb. 20, 2018 It’s been a revealing few months for celebrity worshippers out there. With a slew of scandals and abuse stories coming out, you might be wondering: who’s left…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: Veganism is a Spectrum

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Jan. 30, 2018 Meat, cheese, eggs, gummy bears, honey, gummy bear-shaped jars of honey: these are just a few common food items that are not considered “vegan” by the masses.…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Fall Activities That Will Give You a UTI

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester Oct. 17, 2017   The air is crisp, the leaves are falling, and you are definitely going to get a UTI. Urinary tract infections are incredibly common for people of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: Call Me a Millennial Again, and I Will Summon the Pumpkin Lord

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson Oct. 17, 2017 As a twenty-year-old living in this country, I am so fed up with being labeled as a “millennial.””. The term has grown to encapsulate everyone in my…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letters from Home: It’s Grandpa. Do They Have Free Speech on Your Campus?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Grandad (Sam Hoffman) Aug. 17, 2017 Hi Sweetie, this is Grandpa. I hope this letter finds you well, and I hope you’re not out there having too much fun! I hear a…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    An Alphabetical Guide to Parties

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison May 15, 2017 Darties. Garties. RacistConstructionThemedarties. Who can keep track of all the types of parties these days? I can. Yes, I, Chase Harrison, Chief Correspondent of the Shady Dealer…

    read more
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Read It and Weep

  • This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls
  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

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