By A Lump of Coal Nov. 13, 2014 The hardest part of being both a first year at the University of Chicago and a sentient lump of coal would have to be adjusting…

By Annabelle Newport Oct. 23, 2014 Chris Christie is living on the edge. The presidential hopeful and second-term Governor of New Jersey paraded into the office this morning flaunting some major side boob…

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By Evan Bernstein April 20, 2014 Over the past week, The Dealer has received numerous phone calls, anonymous tips, and letters regarding this weekend’s horrific event on the North Side. The Circle Jerk…

By Alex Dunlap Feb. 22, 2014 A group calling itself “Save the Summer Lynx” has raised concerns that changes in University policy may pose an “existential threat” to the future of the endangered…

By Walker King (391) Jan. 24, 2014 zTragedy struck Egypt yesterday when the Library of Alexandria, the world’s largest depository of pornographic materials, was burned to the ground by Roman Emperor Lucius Aurelianus.…

By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 24, 2013 In an interview conducted last week, third-year in the College Jacob Sandilson confirmed that he really enjoyed studying a broad last summer. There had been rumors among…

By Alex Hearn Nov. 9, 2013 At this weekend’s Grain and Cereal Convention, the Monsanto Company unveiled “GM-O’s,” its flagship brand in a new line of genetically-modified breakfast cereals. “We at Monsanto are…

By Simon Stanco Oct. 18, 2013 Officials in the University of Chicago Supernatural Care and Radio-Ectoplasmology Department (UCSCARED), after investigating numerous reports of an almost translucently pale hipster attending SOSC classes, have revealed…

By Zach Augustine Aug. 2, 2013 Incoming first-year Sally Danderson is determined to finally solve not one but several of the vital issues that have been plaguing philosophy for all of recorded human…