By Dan Lastres May 15, 2017 Dean Ellison Screams as Scav Participants Rip out his Still-beating Heart Mother’s Day Weekend took a turn for the worse on Sundayaturday evening, as Scav participants jumped…

By Thomas Noriega April 21, 2017 Grounds of Being Proved Logically InconsistentBy Thomas Noriega Earlier today, students were shocked and saddened to learn thatTragic news today as Grounds of Being, the popular cash-only…

By President Donald Trump April 13, 2017 Answers to The Four QuestionsBy Donald Trump Q: On all other nights, we eat chameitz and matzah. Why on this night, only matzah? A: First of…

By Thomas Noriega March 7, 2017 5 Hot Tips for Students Staying in Housing on a Break By Thomas Noriega Externship fall through? Parents don’t want you at home? Your elaborate plans to…

By President John F. Kennedy, Washington DC 1962 Feb. 6, 2017 Today, our planet sits onat the verge of global nuclear meltdown. The USSR has placed an unknown number of warheads on the…

By Reed Thurston Feb. 1, 2017 President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends In the wake of a turbulent and unnerving transition of power, the newly-elected President Donald Trump…

By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 17, 2017 1. The Double-State Solution This steamy sexual solution towards one of the greatest geopolitical conflicts of our time has two states pumping at once. While getting a…

By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 In an attempt to remain a global and healthy cereal brand, Kellogg’s introduced “Rasputin-O’s” in Russia. While expecting the cereal to be a nutritious and delicious hit…

By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 On October 27, 2016, Dean John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College, announced his administration’s exciting new bbullshit, half– thought– out changes with noout prior…

By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 7, 2016 4. Air Bud is a philanthropist: Sure Bob Dylan has worked with six major, international charities, but boy was Josh Framm a piece of work. I mean,…