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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Overconfident First Year Takes All of Floor’s Condoms

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ashton Hashemipour Oct. 11, 2016 Quietly scurrying out of the communal bathroom, first-year Carl Smith was seen making his way towards his double roomm, his pockets filled to the brim with condoms.…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Donald Trump Receives a Human Heart: How Will This Change the Election?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Aug. 2, 2016 Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he had received a human heart from a dedicated supporter and Iraq war veteran at Tuesday’s rally in Virginia. Politicos, pundits,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Since You’re in the Market for a New Country…

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg June 25, 2016 Don’t go changing your flag just yet, because we have an offer for you. You’ve got a vacancy, and we want in. That’s right: The Ruttenberg Family…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    White Male Econ Major from New York Goes Missing, No One Notices

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Other Places The African Civ Study Abroad Program Could Be Based

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison April 25, 2016 On April 26, the Chicago Maroon reported that beginning in Winter 2018, the University will offer an African Civilizations program in Dakar, Senegal. At the April 15th…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    P/CP: Help! I got a “2100” on my STD

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Danny Marcus and Daniel Markus April 5, 2016 Point: Help, I got “2100” on my STD test By Danny Marcus Excuse me,—does anyone know what it means to get a 2100 on…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Frat Charges Guys $5 at Door to Correct for Income Inequality

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison Feb. 18, 2016 Like most fraternities on campus, PsiU’s Friday night party “90’s” themed party forced guys to pay $5 at the door, while girls got in for free. Howeverver,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    America is Great Again: Looking Back at Trump’s First Two Years

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles Jan. 22, 2016 WASHINGTON, 2019– Just yesterday on 19th March 2019 around 6:30 PM EST, just over two years since President Trump took office, America officially became great again. Living…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Am I a Homicidal Megalomaniac or A New Messiah?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nikolai Alodopolous, 200 CE Jan. 18, 2016 Are you a God yourself or just a messenger for your God? 1. The god, totally. Or maybe both, kind of like Jesus. 2. Don’t…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Golden Man In the Oscar Should Hold a Tinier, Golder Oscar

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 1. The Golden Man Might Get Lonely! People aren’t the only ones who get lonely, you know. The Golden Man deserves a friend too. 2. The Oscar…

    read more
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Read It and Weep

  • Alivisatos to Demolish the “bad parts” of Harper Library for a square-dancing arena
  • University installs large trapdoor in the Reg that swallows students, Tuition still Rising
  • Professor Who Takes Ten Weeks to Grade Papers Shocked by Late Assignment
  • Everyone Saw You Press “No Tip”
  • Study Reveals 90% of Group Project Work Done by One Sad Student
  • Bartlett to Follow Agriculture Department Advice: Meals to Feature Tortilla, Broccoli, and Maybe Chicken
  • Parents Befriend Student’s Least Favorite Professor During Model Class
  • Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
  • CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
  • Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her

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