By Maya Handa Aug. 1, 2014 10 things your parents have already replaced you with Maya Handa 1. A darling vase 2. A self-loading dishwasher 3. Three Christmas ornaments 4. A therapist 5.…

By Isaac Krone April 20, 2014 Bartlett Dining Commons was the site of a strange occurrence last Tuesday, when third-year Bret Stevenson escaped samsara during the crowded dinner rush. Bret was reportedly engaged…

By Alexander Dunlap April 20, 2014 Inspired by the success of the UChicago Centers in Paris, Beijing, and Delhi, the University of Chicago is in the early planning phases of a new Center…

By James Ekstrom (100 BC) Jan. 26, 2014 A decision passed in the Roman Senate has declared the end of the age of “net neutrality” in gladiatorial combat. The decision to implement “net…

By Ayesha Wadhawan Dec. 24, 2013 As part of a comprehensive program of modernization, the University of Chicago’s Oriental Institute has adopted a title more suited to the post-modern era: “The University of…

By Kelly Keough Nov. 9, 2013 A poll conducted by University of Chicago Campus and Student Life has revealed that 50 percent of the incoming Class of 2017 still experiences anxiety over pooping…

By The Jack Hammer Working on Harper Oct. 20, 2013 TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK…

By Steph Yu Aug. 2, 2013 So you’ve finally flown the coop and driven ten minutes/flown across the country/flown across the world to receive a top-notch education at the University of Chicago. Remember…

By Stephen Lurie May 27, 2013 Following increased campus pressure for improved disability services, the University administration announced on Tuesday an open forum on campus accessibility issues, to be held in the tower…

By Walker King April 25, 2013 As Jebidiah Sheffield staggered into the Oregon City City Hall to claim his homestead on April 17th, he officially became the last man to complete the Oregon…