By Ryan Fleishman Nov. 13, 2016 Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone special over Tinder, and then set up a date at a local café? Did you meet up with…

By Teddy Zamborsky Oct. 18, 2016 University Announces Committee on Public Safety In response to what has been referred to ascalled “disruptive student protests,”, University Provost Eric Isaacs announced the re-establishment of the…

By Jack U. Leighton Oct. 12, 2016 Nice Diploma, is it real? Weren’t you wearing that last class? Aww, that’s really cute. You pout a little when you talk about Ovid. You wearing…

By Morgan Pantuck’s Mom Aug. 21, 2016 Jacob: Dad’s tennis buddy has a son named Jacob who’s a pre-med at Northwestern. I gave his mom your cell phone number, so look out for…

By Jacob Johnson July 23, 2016 Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent…

By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the…

By Milena Pross May 6, 2016 Okay, something’s up and I can’t be the only one to notice it. I’m not normally one to dive into conspiracy theories, but there are just too…

By Diane Zimmerman April 22, 2016 I am an ambitious young professional, and I think I could learn a lot from networking with you. I want to show you that I am an…

By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 18, 2016 Second-year and self-described “bio-curious” student Jenny Anderson was seen earlier this week registering for BIOS 11128, an introductory biology course for non-majors. Anderson, 19, told the Dealer…

By Liam Coles Jan. 29, 2016 Rapper and Social Justice Warrior Ben “Macklemore” Haggerty is currently searching for another marginalized group save after yet again putting an end to an injustice with his…