By Shady Dealer Editorial Board Jan. 10, 2015 At the moment we exit the womb, we enter into a pervasive societal delusion. The mothers who raise us and nurture us also claim to…

By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 27, 2014 New Police Handbook Instructs Officers to Close Their Eyes, Spin Around Three Times Before Shooting An update to a national police best practices guide will instruct…

By Alex Dunlap Nov. 16, 2014 The University of Chicago, in cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, is issuing a voluntary recall of over 25,000 college- and graduate-level educations provided between…

By Isaac Krone Oct. 24, 2014 This Thursday, tech giant Apple Inc. astonished the world by unveiling a revolutionary cloud-based system for delivering water to farmers in developing and industrialized nations. At a…

By Maya Handa Aug. 1, 2014 10 things your parents have already replaced you with Maya Handa 1. A darling vase 2. A self-loading dishwasher 3. Three Christmas ornaments 4. A therapist 5.…

By Isaac Krone April 20, 2014 Bartlett Dining Commons was the site of a strange occurrence last Tuesday, when third-year Bret Stevenson escaped samsara during the crowded dinner rush. Bret was reportedly engaged…

By Alexander Dunlap April 20, 2014 Inspired by the success of the UChicago Centers in Paris, Beijing, and Delhi, the University of Chicago is in the early planning phases of a new Center…

By Chris Deakin (340 BC) Jan. 30, 2014 BREAKING – Sources inside the Academy of Athens report that student Leon Petropoulos is currently wrestling with Plato. Petropoulos has reportedly spent all day and…

By Santa Claus Dec. 25, 2013 Dear Children of the World, Christmas is here! I hope you’re as excited as I am. The holidays are such an exciting time of the year. Eating,…

By James Newton Nov. 9, 2013 At the conclusion of a four-year study, College statistics major Maya D’Angelo has revealed that the vast majority of students in math and science courses who attend…