By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 26, 2014 Engaged in a mode of locomotion which can only truly be described as “trundling,” first-year Maxwell Kagan viciously attempted to increase the speed at which he moved…

By Alexander Dunlap (1971) Jan. 25, 2014 After weeks of bilateral negotiations regarding quitting rights, rates of metabolism, and access to key neurotransmitters, Sarah Rodriguez, United States Ambassador to Drugs, announced last night…

By Noah Lemelson Dec. 24, 2013 Yesterday, a report from the University of Chicago Institute for the Study of Ancient Greco-Roman History claimed to have found textual inconsistencies in Homer’s telling of The…

By Alex Foster Nov. 9, 2013 Vyom Khan, a second-year in the College, was declared winner of the Institute of Politics on Tuesday when he successfully caressed David Axelrod’scalf during that afternoon’s Fellows…

By Allen Mandelbaum Oct. 19, 2013 Translation is a dead art. No one would deny that. But it’s one thing to let a dead art stay dead, and it’s another thing to keep…

By Mark Sands Aug. 2, 2013 There’s a cute girl in my advising group. I get that she’s attractive, but she has no future. She said she wants a Ph.D. in Sociology. If…

By James Ekstrom May 27, 2013 Last Wednesday began like any other spring day on the Quads. Frisbees were being thrown, classes were being conducted in the grass, and the sun’s rays were…

By Sam Spiegel April 25, 2013 In a recent survey conducted by the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea’s Department of Education, and obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer, a shocking 98% of…

By Ben Boyajian Feb. 24, 2013 Sunday morning, pandemonium reigned throughout the nation as citizens stabbed and bludgeoned each other to death in the streets. The cause of the killings remains unknown, but…

By Maya Handa Feb. 4, 2013 Unspeakably miserable Mexican painter Frida Kahlo flashed a rare smile yesterday after her husband, muralist Diego Rivera, tripped over a bucket of turpentine and ripped his pants.…