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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison Announce Joint 28th Birthday Party

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic, September 17, 1970 Feb. 6, 2017 Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison Announce Joint 28th Birthday PartySeptember 17, 1970World famous rockers Jimi Hendrix, a visionary guitarist, and Jim Morrison, vocalist of psychedelic…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    High School Student Robert E. Lee Voted Most Likely To Secede

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston Feb. 1, 2017 High School Student Robert E. Lee Voted Most Likely To SecedeFAUQUIER COUNTY, VA — In a landslide victory at Virginia’s Eastern View High School, local student Robert…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Classmate Insists All His Essays Be Called Manifestos

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 17, 2017 Throughout his three years as a student in Social Sciences at the University of Chicago, classmate Brady Schultz has insisted that every single essay, paragraph, and problem…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Silver Lining: She Might Not Be President, But Hillary Clinton Is Our New IOP Fellow!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison and Milena Pross Dec. 3, 2016 The Institute of Politics announced that former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will be a fellow in residence this winter. Clinton will host a series…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ho Ho Ho! Why is my House Getting Closer to the Water Every Year?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 15, 2016 Merry Christmas to all, and a Happy New Year! I know it’s not December 25th yet, but whenever I watch TV, all I see are commercial depictions…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Introducing the New Culturally-Neutral Holiday Everyone’s Talking About: Fistmas

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson Nov. 8, 2016 It’s almost the most wonderful time of the year again! And that means it’s time to start thinking about gifts for the important people in your life.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Handy Rationalizations for Not Filling Out a Work Order

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jack Toole Oct. 13, 2016 Winter, the season of indiscriminate central heating, is almost upon us. A stuck window can make this unfortunate period immeasurably worse, heating your room to within a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Drops All Four Classes In Order To Focus On Student Council

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hakim Lahlou Oct. 9, 2016 In a shocking turn of events, a prospective Student Council member had to be forcibly removed from the UChicago campus, after accidentally dropping out of school. The…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top Five Reasons to Sleep with Me

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 I want to first preface this with the fact that there are many more reasons to sleep with me. These are just the top. I can last…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Fuckboy Quits Scav After Failing to Find Clitoris

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson May 14, 2016 After four long days of searching high and low for every item on the Sscav Hunt list (no matter how bizarre), local fuckboyi Ryan “Swag” Firmanratman was…

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Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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