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Texas School Lunches Add “Down-Home Pulled Pork BBQ” as Food Group
By Nico Aldape Nov. 18, 2016 In a move made “in the interests of student physical well-being and health,” the Texas State Board of Education (SBOE) has announced it will phase in dowwn…
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How To Tell If Your Tinder Date Is Actually Danny DeVito In Drag
By Ryan Fleishman Nov. 13, 2016 Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone special over Tinder, and then set up a date at a local café? Did you meet up with…
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University Announces Committee on Public Safety
By Teddy Zamborsky Oct. 18, 2016 University Announces Committee on Public Safety In response to what has been referred to ascalled “disruptive student protests,”, University Provost Eric Isaacs announced the re-establishment of the…
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10 Negs That’ll Seduce Any HUM Professor
By Jack U. Leighton Oct. 12, 2016 Nice Diploma, is it real? Weren’t you wearing that last class? Aww, that’s really cute. You pout a little when you talk about Ovid. You wearing…
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Five Jewish Boys My Daughter Should Date
By Morgan Pantuck’s Mom Aug. 21, 2016 Jacob: Dad’s tennis buddy has a son named Jacob who’s a pre-med at Northwestern. I gave his mom your cell phone number, so look out for…
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Help! The Moldy Banana I Accidentally Left in Storage Has Achieved Sentience
By Jacob Johnson July 23, 2016 Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent…
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North Residence Hall Renamed Following Donation From Dickwad Fuckwit
By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the…
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Suspicious: Every College Council Member is EXACTLY 6’2”
By Milena Pross May 6, 2016 Okay, something’s up and I can’t be the only one to notice it. I’m not normally one to dive into conspiracy theories, but there are just too…
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Let’s Network Together
By Diane Zimmerman April 22, 2016 I am an ambitious young professional, and I think I could learn a lot from networking with you. I want to show you that I am an…
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Report: 80% of all SOSC Students Are White Guys with Tortoise Shell Glasses
By Chase Harrison Feb. 18, 2016 Despite overall campus diversity statistics , a recent study by the Shady Dealer revealed that 80% of the people in your students in SOSC classes, college-wide, are…
