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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Blue Chips Disbands to Better Maintain Its Exclusivity

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Rahul Gupta Oct. 26, 2018 In the logical conclusion of a prolonged struggle over the core values of the University of Chicago, the Blue Chips announced their dissolution late last week. The heads…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Humanitarian of the Year Will Show Dining Staff Respect, Courtesy Until Second Week

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Andy Hatem Sept. 24, 2018   Some start work before the sun is up. Others don’t leave until well past midnight. The work isn’t easy; staff are always on their feet, and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Farewell Letter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By The Editors May 25, 2018 Dearest Reader(s),     Over the past year, we have had the humbling, back-breaking honor of serving as Editors-in-Chief for the Chicago Shady Dealer, and we want…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters Refuse To Believe They Evolved From Humans

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman May 5, 2018 Terra, 3708 Following the Council Of the Wise’s decision to introduce evolution into breeding pod curriculum, the Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters has formally announced their refusal to acknowledge…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Cobb Cafe Art Installation to Close

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North April 20, 2018 Cobb Cafe Art Installation The experimental student art installation “Cobb Cafe,” located in the basement of the historic Cobb Lecture Hall (5811 S. Ellis), will close this week.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top Campus Cafés Ranked by Sexual Tension

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Feb. 20, 2018 So you came here to study? Well, we all “came here to study,” kid. That doesn’t mean you can’t check out the tall glass of iced coffee…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Seven Healthy Butter Substitutes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Megan Parsons Jan. 29, 2018 Hey there, everyone, Megan here, aka Meg, aka Super Mommy. Trying to eat healthier in 2018? Have no fear! Eating well can be daunting, but these seven…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Six Animals the Div School Wouldn’t Allow Me to Give DMT

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 Do animals have souls? Does God speak to them? What happens if you give them a ton of DMT? These are the questions I hoped to answer…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter from the Editors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By James Ekstrom and Christopher Deakin Aug. 6, 2013 Dear Reader, As a First Year, just beginning your college career, you are beset with Orientators, persons of medium authority attempting to orient your…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Disappointing Dollar Shake Shatters First Year

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By By Thomas Noriega Aug. 17, 2017 As everyone on campus knows, students can get milkshakes in Reynolds Club for a dollar every Wednesday. Newly-minted first year Daniella Heinz had heard all about…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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