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17 Cats That Are God
By Egyptian Holy Council Feb. 1, 2015 1) My cat. 2) Your cat. 3) My mom’s cat. 4) Your mom’s cat. 5) Ricky’s cat. 6) That weird cat. 7) Seriously, all the cats.…
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Portland Trailblazers Trade $2 Million To Los Angeles Clippers For $3 Million
By Cub Reporter Jacob Levin Jan. 14, 2015 The NBA recently approved a trade between the Portland Trailblazers and the Los Angeles Clippers in which the Trailblazers will give $2 million to the…
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Butterball Hotline Questions
By Teddy Zamborsky Nov. 28, 2014 Today the Dealer spoke with our source at the Butterball Hotline, the nation’s premier phone based holiday help-line. They shared with us the questions they receive most…
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On The Macaroon’s Recent Coverage
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 16, 2014 The Chicago Macaroon has existed since the University of Chicago’s founding in 1892, and has in that time broken some tremendous stories. Ranging from pieces on the…
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Twin Peaks
By Isaac Krone Oct. 26, 2014 Sources close to The Dealer confirm that at approximately 10:17 p.m. Wednesday evening, Rickert House resident Ian MacPherson reached the apotheosis of his existence. Ian’s life will…
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“East is Lake,” says Fur-clad Campus Tour Guide
By Daniel Moattar Aug. 10, 2014 “East Is Lake,” Says Fur-Clad Campus Tour Guide East is lake. Student-to-faculty ratio extremely low. One hundred percent of instructors have terminal degrees. On left is Reynolds…
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Summer Plans Ambitious
By Evan Bernstein May 13, 2014 According to sources close to the naive second-year, Robert Kleinman is incredibly excited to begin his summer. According to information provided confidentially to The Dealer, Kleinman has…
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Kathleen Sebelius to Teach Problems in Public Policy Implementation
By Timi Koyejo April 20, 2014 The University of Chicago Department of Public Policy has announced that Kathleen Sebelius, in her first move since resigning as U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services,…
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Rogue Stressbuster Won’t Stop Giving Backrubs
By Becky Stoner Feb. 22, 2014 “At Stressbusters, we’re all about the Wind-down Wednesdays. But this kid? He’s aggressively expanded into Tranquility Tuesdays, Moderation Mondays, Stressbuster Sundays, Stressbuster Saturdays, Feet-Up Fridays, and of…
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President Skintaker-9000 promises an era of lower taxes, welfare reform and less skin.
By Noah Lemelson (year 2116) Jan. 22, 2014 Following a landslide re-election victory over opponent Xylox Phnltük, President Skintaker-9000 took to the podium this week for his second inaugural address. “When I first…
