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Did the Writers of the Constitution Mean for Us to Have “Sharp Sticks” and “Rocks”?
By Brogun the Younger Feb. 1, 2015 SUMERIA 5000 B.C.E. The men who wrote our constitution were wise and foresaw many ways that the government could seek to deprive our fellow citizens of…
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End Body Shaming!
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 30, 2014 Point: End Body Shaming Now! People don’t like to hear that the media influences their most personal thoughts and feelings, but it’s true. Television, movies, the music…
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Future Senator Backstrokes through Pool of Vomit
By Clay Olsen Nov. 18, 2014 Kappa Delta Chi pledge and future Senate Majority Whip Scott Carter was seen backstroking through an Olympic-sized pool of vomit early last Saturday morning, sources close to…
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Why You Can’t Get Into Reynolds Club On Shake Day (Infographic)
By Jacob Levin and Teddy Zamborsky Nov. 13, 2014 21% – Under siege by Society for Creative Anachronism 14% – Doors locked by invisible hand 16% – Dean Boyer bathing in tub of…
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Zimmer Wishes His Salary Were Paid In Gum
By Tyler Patterson Oct. 23, 2014 University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer told reporters Thursday that while he remains “somewhat satisfied” with his compensation from the University of Chicago, he “fervently wishes” that…
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US Re-invades Iraq for Throwback Thursday
By James Ekstrom May 13, 2014 This Thursday, the Department of Defense announced its plans to re-invade the Middle Eastern nation of Iraq as a throwback tribute to the U.S. invasions carried out…
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Student Health Warns of New, Highly Addictive “Positive” Attitude
By Alexander Dunlap April 20, 2014 The University’s Student Health and Counseling Service has issued a warning to students and administrators about a harmful and highly addictive attitude reported to be on the…
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Eyes Contact
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 22, 2014 Hark, dear reader, do you know the tale? ’Twas a bright late-winter morn when the sun’s light and the day’s break arose o’er the mountain’s top and…
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List of Under-Appreciated Plagues
By Daniel Betancourt Jan. 24, 2014 10. The Pale Plague, 904-936 – Infecting overbore more than 80% of Europe, the sadly hereditary Pale Plague turned its victims sickeningly pasty and caused them to…
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Breast Cancer Becomes Aware
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 After decades of painstaking medical research and ardent fundraising efforts, Breast Cancer finally became aware during a thunderstorm last Tuesday morning at 3:52 AM PST. According to…
