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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sex Is Like Pizza

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Barry March 1, 2015 Guys, sex is like pizza: even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. You know what I mean? Every time I’ve had sex in the past, I was…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    This is the Loneliest I’ve Ever Felt

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By A Particle, Ten Nanoseconds after the Big Bang Feb. 1, 2015 Breakups are hard. One moment you’re sitting comfortably in a singularity with the particles you love. And the next you’re cast…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Classified: Artist Seeks Torture

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 Classified: Artist Seeks Torture Aspiring artist with privileged upbringing seeks malevolent acts to inspire creative works. Applicants can expect to  Humiliate me in public  Point…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    News in Brief: October 16, 2014

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 President Zimmer Seeks Word to Describe the University’s Approach to Education Sources close to the Office of the President reported Friday that Robert J. Zimmer, in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sorority Declares Raccoons In for Winter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 At a quarterly conference on seasonal fashion held Wednesday, the president of Omega Phi Pi announced that raccoons are officially “in” for winter. As a consequence, the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Public School Kid Discovered in Student Body

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By James Newton Oct. 23, 2014 On November 30, the University of Chicago student body was finally completely purged of former public school students. Students and faculty breathed a collective sigh of relief…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Fourth Year Excited to Procrastinate for Pleasure

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin May 14, 2014 Approaching the end of a lengthy college career spent putting off both academic and professional work, fourth-year Donald Sterling reports that he is excited to finally have…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    7 Jokes Only Craig Will Understand

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zach Augustine April 20, 2014 1. When Craig threw that Frisbee into oncoming traffic on the Midway. Hilarious! 2. Who could forget the infamous guacamole incident last winter at Jimmy’s? Craig seemed…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How an Asteroid Destroying the Earth Affects the 2016 Presidential Election

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 24, 2014 With the next presidential race only two short years away, it’s time to start seriously speculating about the outcome of the 2016 election. Prominent political analysts have…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Exclusive: Forgive Me Father for I Have Sinned: Judas Caught Kissing Jesus!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Terry Hines (32 A.D.) Jan. 24, 2014 Our holy father was spotted turning the other cheek yesterday – for Judas to plant another sloppy kiss on him! Lately, rumors of Jesus’ sexuality…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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