By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 24, 2014 With the next presidential race only two short years away, it’s time to start seriously speculating about the outcome of the 2016 election. Prominent political analysts have…

By Terry Hines (32 A.D.) Jan. 24, 2014 Our holy father was spotted turning the other cheek yesterday – for Judas to plant another sloppy kiss on him! Lately, rumors of Jesus’ sexuality…

By Chris Deakin Dec. 24, 2013 At 4:30 p.m. EST, Friday January 10th, local businesswoman Grace Fortier paid $2.99 for a package of six Klondike Bars™, a popular confection made of ice cream…

By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 9, 2013 Winter is coming, and so, apparently, are our students. New polling data reveals that as many as 30% of UChicago Crushes are actually written while masturbating. UChicago…

By Nora Helfand Oct. 18, 2013 It’s a familiar Saturday scene: a gaggle of well-dressed college-age women out for an evening of downtown dining. Kicking back into my crimson booth seat and letting…

By Daniel Moattar Aug. 2, 2013 Point: I have been forced to carry the spirit of Pierce on my shoulders. By Oliver Wateringcan II With the construction of the University of Chicago’s new…

By Anna Newport May 27, 2013 Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons was officially closed Friday after a dead chicken was found in a lettuce and tomato sandwich. Although the fragment of fetid fowl…

By Jeremy Archer April 25, 2013 Citing “new perspectives” in education and a desire to overtake Yale in national college rankings, the University Press Office announced today a new initiative entitled “Discard Undergraduates…

By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2013 In a world where many feel technology has run amok, where the Yankee dollar has taken top billing in our collective heart, and where patience and charity…

By Alexander the Great Feb. 4, 2013 Author’s Note: Alexander the Great apologizes in advance for the following display of enthusiasm – he is writing on his favorite topic, after all. What is…