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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Housecest accounts for Mere 95% of O-Week Hookups

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ayesha Wadhawan Aug. 2, 2013 In the early days of the 2013-14 academic year, the proportion of O-Week hook-ups between individuals of the same house has reached a shocking low of 95%.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Students Flock to “Bang At Anywhere Else”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin May 27, 2013 Hundreds of students are signing up for newly opened social website “Bang At Anywhere Else.” Bangatanywhereelse.com offers University of Chicago students the opportunity to find willing “bang…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago College Admissions Releases Extended Essay Prompts for 2013-2014

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Robin Ye April 23, 2013 2013-2014 Essay Questions: ESSAY OPTION 1 There are many things people DGAF about. Write a passionate essay on something you don’t give a fuck about. Inspired by…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Biopic “DiCaprio” draws Best Actor buzz for Zac Efron

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zach Augustine Feb. 24, 2013 Upcoming biography film Leonardo DiCaprio, directed by the winner of last year’s Best Picture and Director awards, Justin Bieber, has already drawn the sort of buzz usually…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Birth announcement: George Orwell is becoming a Big Brother

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Maya Handa Feb. 4, 2013 January 30, 1908 – Richard and Ida Orwell are pleased to announce the birth of their second child, April Orwell. April, weighing about as much as a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Helicopter Parent Builds Squadron of Quadrocopters to Protect Son

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Boykin Dec. 17, 2012 Some parents may have a tendency to be protective of their children, but most have nothing on Samantha Korrin, a parent who makes her living as a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Arley D. Cathey Learning Center to become Arley D. Cathey Tropical Oasis

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Catherine Alvarez-McCurdy Nov. 7, 2012 At a recent press conference, Dean of the College John Boyer announced plans to transform the Arley D. Cathey Learning Center, formerly Harper Reading Room, into the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Entire Class of 2016 Drowns

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King Oct. 21, 2012 Tragedy struck the University of Chicago last week when the entire class of 2016 drowned in a series of freak accidents across the Chicago area. School officials…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Delilah Stellavic Dec. 23, 2018 When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Campus Casualties Escalate in War on Christmas

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Rahul Gupta Dec. 5, 2018 Dozens of students were sent to the University of Chicago hospital after a heated debate over the holiday season exploded into yet another battle in the global…

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Read It and Weep

  • Applications Open for Admissions Office’s “Spontaneous University Compliment Squad”
  • ICE Deports Jesus Christ
  • Help! My Roommate Thinks Anthony Bourdain and Jeffery Epstein Are the Same Person
  • Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg
  • University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
  • Heartwarming: North Resident Bravely Pulls Fire Alarm at 11 PM in Solidarity with Woodlawn
  • Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
  • Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter

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