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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Corrupted Article- Do not publish.

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Error Nov. 11, 2015 TTFun fact – this phenomenon is also known as Poseidon’s Kiss! Remember that this happened to gods too. Archeological studies have have havfound that most of the output…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Admissions Office Releases Class of 2019 Dick Statistics

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By John Wilson Oct. 23, 2015 In an unexpected turn, the University of Chicago Admissions Office has released the penis size statistics for the class of 2019. The information was released on the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Hides Girlfriend from Parents

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North Oct. 16, 2015 First-year Jack Bailey of Coulter House was seen trying to hide his girlfriend, first-year Amy Xuhao, from his parents when they visited last weekend. Bailey carefully avoided…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Suggested Accessories for Sleeping in the Lounge

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Aug. 6, 2015 Mechanical cCrossbow for hunting food and protecting your spot– Lotion, as. eElbows tend to get chaffed overnight in the lounge.– Speakers so everyone on the 1st, 2nd,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    What Are We Splurging on This Week?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Taylor May 26, 2015 1) Inklings, Histories, and Mysteries 2) Hanging out with the gang 3)Carp 4)Sweatshirts with the words “Let’s Hear it for the Boys!” 5) Cheetos Brand Cheetos 6)Stuff…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Why, I Think I’ll Vote for Bernie Sanders

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar May 26, 2015 Why, I Think I’ll Vote for Bernie SandersBy Jamie Dimon, CEO, JPMorgan Chase I was speaking on the phone the other day with my good friend Hillary…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Amazon Announces Plans to Ship Consumers Directly to Product

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin March 1, 2015 In a press conference this morning, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced that the online retailer will begin delivery of clients to their desired product as early as…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    March!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Sources close to bursting from excitement report that it’s March! The sources, who wished to remain forever young and free, went…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sexiest Man Alive Also Only Man Alive

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Si Squires-Kasten Feb. 1, 2015 NEW YORK November 19, 2159 On Tuesday, Person (née People) Magazine awarded Juwan Murphy, the sole survivor of the nuclear holocaust of 2158, the title of “Sexiest…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Reasons It Sucks to be a Girl

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 30, 2014 Ladies, we have it rough. Between periods, emotional breakdowns, and dealing with dumb boys 24/7, there are hundreds of reasons that being a girl is no walk…

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Read It and Weep

  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex
  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo

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