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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Torrented New Kanye Album Ruled Best Virus Of All Time

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 19, 2016 After searching through pirating websites desperately this Sunday for Kanye’s new album to download illegally through their chosen torrent client, critics agree that Kanye’s The Life of…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    America is Ready for Florida Values

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marco Rubio Feb. 2, 2016 Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about Donald Trump and his New York values. Values like yelling, rudeness, pickles, complaining, “‘fahgettingbout things“’, pigeons, and elitism. Well,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    6 Twenty-Somethings Who Have Only Had Two or Fewer Kids

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg, 1720 Jan. 22, 2016 Harriet Johnson: Look at Harriet! Walking around like she is not supposed to be carrying a baby on top of her other in her baby. That…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips to Spice Up Your Platonic Friend’s Sex Life

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 4, 2016 Stock up on fun condoms. Your friend will appreciate the special twist on their sex life when you surprise them with a Trojan Fire & Ice Ultra-Thin…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Flies South for Winter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Nov. 24, 2015

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Socratic Dialogue on Memes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 11, 2015 Socrates: Let us move to the concepts of memes, the nature of which, as Apollo wishes, is of optimal dankness. Memes are the form and dankness the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Twitter Beef Between Dean Ellison and the Major Activities Board: Explained

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Oct. 27, 2015 As many campus beefs go nowadays, it all started with a tweet. Last week, John “Jay” Ellison, the Ddean of Sstudents in the College, using the Twitter…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Practical Guide to Being a Fuckboy

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Juan Caicedo Oct. 16, 2015 Perhaps you first heard about fuckboys from a parent, coach, or pastor. You may have seen one passing by in the hallway, one hand secure on a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Security Alert: Summer in Review

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marlon C. Lynch, Associate VP for Safety and Security Aug. 9, 2015 The University of ChicagoSeptember 20, 2015Security Alert At approximately 9:50 p.m., Thursday June 19th, 2014 — A victim not affiliated…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Admissions Report: 90% of Incoming First-years had Life-changing Experience in Africa

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Anna Belle Newport July 17, 2015 The University of Chicago Office of Admissions, after releasing statistics on the incoming class of 2019 on Tuesday, claims to have the most globally experienced cohort…

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Read It and Weep

  • Point: Someday, you’ll be forgotten by history / Counterpoint: I sold some really bad copper
  • Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
  • Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto
  • Confused Animal Rights Group seen protesting outside NFL HQ after Bad Bunny announcement
  • Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
  • Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
  • All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
  • First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
  • In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.

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