By Adam Lowinger Jan. 22, 2016 After rigorous pseudo-investigation of natural phenomena, physicians around the European continent are excited to report the discovery of a fifth humor: ectoplasm. The discovery of this humor…

By Sam Zoeller Jan. 4, 2016 Montclair, New Jersey – Amelia Peterson, a first year at The College, has received several stern looks from high school acquaintances after following random groups of girls…

By Alan Rogers Dec. 31, 2015 The wind in my hair, the dewy sheen of sweat upon my forehead, the screams of pedestrians… Ah, yes. My name is Alan Rogers and I love…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 12, 2015 I’ve let this go on for long enough, Pat. I know you’re just jacking off in your room. I’m not buying the “sexile” routine again. You really…

By John Veillette Oct. 31, 2015 In Genesis, the God character, who is of course just a character because a divine being is a fiction for those too weak to face the realities…

By Mary Vansuch Oct. 16, 2015 Yesterday, Bret Whitefish was just another second-year economics major. Today, however, he became a national American hero. Feeling sorry for Senator Bernie Sanders’ economic ignorance, the second-year…

By Ryan Fleishman Aug. 10, 2015 As of last Tuesday, University of Chicago student Jim Jackson has disappeared in order to “hunt”. According to multiple sources, Jim was working on creating his fall…

By Hannah Gitlin July 25, 2015 After a recent study conducted by Emma Jacobson and the rest of the O-Week crew that is somehow already cool, Friday night’s “Giddyup” party most likely won’t…

By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 According to a study newly released study from by the Polsky Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation at the University of Chicago, the bulk of the crying at…

By Elizabeth Sawyer April 23, 2015 It’s every new mom’s worst nightmare. You think your relationship with your one-year old child is perfect. You stay up all night taking care of them, nursing…