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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    War on Drugs Considered After Diplomatic Talks Break Down

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alexander Dunlap (1971) Jan. 25, 2014 After weeks of bilateral negotiations regarding quitting rights, rates of metabolism, and access to key neurotransmitters, Sarah Rodriguez, United States Ambassador to Drugs, announced last night…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Evidence Suggests Odyssey May Not Be Historically Accurate

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Noah Lemelson Dec. 24, 2013 Yesterday, a report from the University of Chicago Institute for the Study of Ancient Greco-Roman History claimed to have found textual inconsistencies in Homer’s telling of The…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Second Year Wins IOP by Caressing David Alexrod’s Calf

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Foster Nov. 9, 2013 Vyom Khan, a second-year in the College, was declared winner of the Institute of Politics on Tuesday when he successfully caressed David Axelrod’scalf during that afternoon’s Fellows…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Occidental Institute Begins Study of “Baseball”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jeremy Archer Oct. 20, 2013 CHICAGO – Researchers at the University of Chicago’s Occidental Institute have announced a bold new archaeological initiative to pinpoint the true nature, and ultimate social function, of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Future Pixar Movies that Relate to College

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hannah Gitlin Aug. 2, 2013 If you’re looking for a good family movie that presents the trials of college and young adulthood in a realistic, relatable way, you’ve probably already laughed with…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Surprising Findings: UCMC Doctor Recommends Laughter as Best Medicine for Erectile Dysfunction

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King May 27, 2013 University of Chicago Hospital urologist Dr. Travis Bartman publicized his latest paper today, telling reporters that laughter is truly the best medicine for patients suffering erectile dysfunction.Bartman…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tensions Run High at House Council Meeting

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Timi Koyejo April 25, 2013 After a contentious motion was pushed through by a faction of the Booth House Council, tensions abounded this past Sunday, multiple sources reported. “I had always expected…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Boyer to challenge the Gods

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Boykin Feb. 24, 2013 John W. Boyer, Dean of the College at The University of Chicago, has challenged every major and minor deity who exerts influence over natural phenomena to a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area man way behind on his telegraph feed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 Having finally returned to the telegraph office after three days of ignoring it, area man George Brittlemeier is reportedly overwhelmed by the number of telegrams left to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Wyoming pushed out to sea to make room for Puerto Rico

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hannah Gitlin Jan. 3, 2013 After more than 800,000 Puerto Rican voters voiced support for the island to become the 51st U.S. state, United States lawmakers have determined that “as it stands,…

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Read It and Weep

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  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex
  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo
  • New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name

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