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Is UChicago’s Environment Giving You Depression or Do You Just Deserve to Die? Look Out for These Five Signs!
by Cornelius Amadeus Ginger III Oct. 26, 2018 It’s third week and, if you’re like me, you’re probably just now realizing how your limited success in high school makes you nothing but a…
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Three Reasons You Should Write for Us (The Chicago Shady Dealer) Instead of Posting in the Meme Pages
By Deblina Mukherjee Sept. 24, 2018 1. When people ask if you peaked in college, you will be able to unambiguously answer, “No!” Ah, the thrill of posting memes regurgitated from Twitter and…
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An Ode to Our Only Reader
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Hey Ed Zamb You’re the manb You have a son named Teddy And a heart that’s ready To ‘like’ our pieces Your support never ceases Never leave…
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Pirates Beat Scurvy With New Invention: “Bud Light Lime”
By Ryan Fleishman May 5, 2018 A Cure for Scurvy In an unprecedented stroke of maritime genius, local pirate captain Bart Seaman staved off scurvy for his entire pirate crew by inventing a new…
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Grounds of Being Ascends to Heaven
By Jughead Greg April 20, 2018 A Swift Rapture University coffee shop Grounds of Being rose into the sky this past Sunday, in what observers have called the greatest modern miracle since The Wire. …
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My Opinion is Valid Because I Use Hyperlinks
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 20, 2018 A Classic Hyperlink There’s something important going on in America, and we need to discuss it. I have strong opinions about this thing, as you can see…
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Zero Waste Redemption: How I Fit a Year of My Trash in a Mason Jar
By Ella Hester Jan. 29, 2018 When I went zero waste at the beginning of 2017, I wasn’t just embarking on a fresh start: I was literally running from the law! I needed…
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Eat Pray Labyrinth: How I Found Myself, Stuck In A Labyrinth
By Antonia Salisbury Oct. 17, 2017 Eat, Pray, Labyrinth: How I found myself, stuck in a labyrinth. This is the story of how I, an American woman in my mid-thirties, recently divorced, and…
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Weirdo Humanities Major Shoves Entire Chicago Manual of Style Up His Ass, Again
By Ella Hester Oct. 17, 2017 A third year Weirdo is preparing for his third annual consumption of the Chicago Manual of Style, by way of his asshole. When asked of his methods,…
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University Introduces Live Bears to Campus in Crackdown on Safe Spaces
By Reed Thurston Aug. 17, 2017 After last year’s controversial memorandum on free speech, the university doubled-down on its commitment to intellectual free enterprise this week. Administrators revealed a new “curricular reinvigoration” project…
