By Jacob Johnson April 24, 2017 Jacob Johnson “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It”, Says Dean Ellison As He Struggles to Stuff The Final Prospie in the Dumpster “Aw, shucks,.” said Dean Ellison,…

By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking UndertakingBy Thomas Noriega              April 2nd, 2017. We all saw it. We all felt it. Roman Reigns pinned The Undertaker after a grueling half-hour match.…

By The DNC March 9, 2017 November was an absolute shellacking. We now only have six states with both Democratic governors and state legislatures. Now that Tom Perez has won the DNC Chairmanship,…

By Christopher Walker Feb. 6, 2017 This Friday, Dean Nondorf announced on Friday that the University’s “No Barriers” program of replacing loans with grants for low-income students would be upgraded to the “Very…

By Ryan Fleishman, 1840 Feb. 1, 2017 1840- My fellow citizens: I am proud to announce we are living in a post-racial America. That’s right;. aAfter decades on centuries of discrimination, we can…

By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 On Tuesday, the FDA released its yearly report on the status of foods and drugs in America, concluding that “oOverall, both are pretty nice and we have…

By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 I remember my first day in economics. The professor, who shall not be named for anonymity’s sake, went into his first lecture of the year beginning ,s.…

By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 Responding to a spate of home burglaries and street muggings, the University of Chicago Police Department announced, yesterday, a new plan to relocate Hyde Parkthe neighborhood 200ft…

By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 8, 2016 Nearly 100 members of the Linguistic Society of America signed an open letter to the public this weekend detailing “the necessity of desexualizing the word ‘girth,’” the…

By Milena Pross Oct. 13, 2016 Last year, campus was torn apart by a divisive and polarizing referendum. Critics have referred to it as “Pre-Brexit Brexit” and “The War Between the States Between…