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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips For Your First Call Home

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Steph Yu Aug. 2, 2013 So you’ve finally flown the coop and driven ten minutes/flown across the country/flown across the world to receive a top-notch education at the University of Chicago. Remember…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Open Forum on Accessibility To Be Held In Rockefeller Tower

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Stephen Lurie May 27, 2013 Following increased campus pressure for improved disability services, the University administration announced on Tuesday an open forum on campus accessibility issues, to be held in the tower…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Last Man Finishes the Oregon Trail

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King April 25, 2013 As Jebidiah Sheffield staggered into the Oregon City City Hall to claim his homestead on April 17th, he officially became the last man to complete the Oregon…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Freak Freshman Hasn’t Lined up Internships for Next Four Summers Yet

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Betancourt Feb. 24, 2013 Considered startlingly reckless by his peers and superiors, UChicago first-year Raymond Santos has completely failed to secure a job or internship for every summer of his college…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Persons and Materials of Middling Importance in 1897

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 H.W. Peckwell: Journeyman wood engraver for Scribner’s Magazine, principally of trains. The Curt Billy-Whale Lighthouse and Public House, on Shefhouzen Island Joseph Misen: invented the Beard Ellusifier,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top 8 People Who Are Not in the Illuminati of 2012

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Becky Stoner Jan. 3, 2013 Ke$ha: This pop artist/sex icon has managed to climb the pop charts with absolutely no help from any underground conspiracies. Sea Punks: How did these turquoise-haired, porpoise-tattooed,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Have Never Seen a Horse

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jake Frisch Nov. 11, 2012 It’s not like I don’t know what they are, I’m not an idiot. I’ve just never seen a horse. No, not even a picture. People keep saying,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Brangenlina visits Chicago, adopts Broadview residents

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nora Helfand Oct. 21, 2012 Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced Sunday that they would be adopting a child from a remote locale: University of Chicago’s Broadview residence hall.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Look Bad in My Family’s Holiday Card and Other Shit I Hate About Winter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Audrey Fromson Dec. 5, 2018 Apple’s portrait mode has made my mom into a monster. When my sisters and I are together, she whips out her phone and proceeds to take photos…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Clueless First Year Finds Himself in Rural Kentucky after Boarding Shuttle Bus

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sammy Elmasri and Will Jaffe Nov. 11, 2018 First-year Danny Fenton anticipated an expedited trip when he boarded the South Shuttle, but disaster struck as he mistakenly got off at its Kentucky…

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Read It and Weep

  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

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