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Mozart Annihilates Beethoven in Searing New Diss Track “Piano Sonata No. 9”
AUSTRIA– The biggest music beef of 1790 just had its most exciting update yet. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart utterly destroyed longtime rival Ludwig Van Beethoven with the smash track “Piano Sonata No. 9.” The…
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Ask Senator McCarthy: Is My Mom Communist?
I am thoroughly convinced that this person who I know as my “mom” is not my real mother. She is some KGB spy that looks just like her, but is not her, you…
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Who Is This Man With Opposable Thumbs and Why Is He So Much Better Than the Rest of Us at Foraging?
Gronk’s opposable thumbs reportedly also make daily tasks much easier. Gronk can throw farther, hold objects more easily, and thumb wrestle better than other humans. Tasks such as lighting fires and breaking sticks…
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Letter from Cain to Abel Discovered in Sacrificial Lamb Pit
February 27, Dawn of Man LAND OF NOD – Investigators have recently discovered a very, very old sacrificial pit. After thorough research involving several hallucinogens, historians have determined that this pit is, indeed,…
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New Study Suggest Berlin Wall Fell Not from Political Pressure, but from ‘Inept’ Architect behind Campus North and Woodlawn
BERLIN – While many believe that the Berlin Wall fell because of political pressure, a new study published in the Journal of Critical History suggests that the Berlin Wall actually fell because it…
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George Washington Founds America
“After a great deal of consideration, months of encouragement from friends and family, and after weighing all the pros and cons, I have decided it’s time to create the United States of America,”…
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Joseph Malaria Hopes They Don’t Name Anything Bad After Him
Joseph’s friends have expressed concern that his name might become associated with a terrible malady. “Just look at what they did to me,” said Joseph’s neighbor, Anthony Human-Papillomavirus. “One day you’re sitting around…
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Incredible New Horse Breed Runs at 1.5 Horsepower
CHURCHILL DOWNS, KENTUCKY – Premier horse breeders Hoofington & Hartford have announced the successful breeding of their fastest horse yet. Darling Daisy Withers Wild, a Thoroughbred-Arabian-Akhal-Teke-Morgan-Appaloosa stallion, stands seventeen hands high at the…
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An Interview with the First Person to Ever Fall for the Oldest Trick in the Book
MESOPOTAMIA – Thomas Gully, a twenty-three year old farmer in Mesopotamia, was recently tricked into giving away a sheep and receiving nothing in return. He described the experience as “chastening,” saying, “This guy…
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JFK Gets Named After Famous Airport
June 21, 1961 NEW YORK – On July 1st, 1948, the first flight flew out from JFK Airport. To express his appreciation for the renowned airport, our 35th president has officially changed his…
