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Student Forgets to Scan ID, Central Shuttle Ignites
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 22, 2013 BREAKING NEWS At approximately 6:04 P.M. Thursday, a UChicago NightRide shuttle bus burst into flames after second-year Devon McLaster forgot to scan his UCID card when boarding.…
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Pirates Beat Scurvy With New Invention: “Bud Light Lime”
By Ryan Fleishman May 5, 2018 A Cure for Scurvy In an unprecedented stroke of maritime genius, local pirate captain Bart Seaman staved off scurvy for his entire pirate crew by inventing a new…
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“Noodles” Exposed: What’s Really on the ‘Etc.’ Menu Will Shock You
By David Marques Oct. 17, 2016 Noodles Etc:tc. A beloved 57th Street staple, modestly priced pan-Asian eatery, and a hell of a lot closer than that other Thai place., wWe’ve all eaten our…
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Top Nine Most Common Sexual Fetishes
By Milena Pross May 26, 2015 Many people are ashamed of their sexual preferences, but it’s 2015. Fetishes that were once thought of as “unusual,” “disturbing,” or “very very inappropriate for brunch” are…
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Report: Career-Ready Graduates Spent Four Years Writing Satire, Fake News
By DJ LoBraico June 1, 2013 According to a recent report commissioned by the Office of Career Advancement, three of the most marketable and career-ready members of the graduating College class of 2013…
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Horoscopes: Marxist Tattoo Edition
By Ella Hester Jan. 29, 2018 Ready to show off your everlasting love for your SOSC buddy, Marx? Here’s your guide to picking the commie tattoo that best represents you! Aries: Adam Smith’s…
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Improved Hygiene Lasts Three Days
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 21, 2015 According to eyewitness reports, area undergraduate Wendy Robinson’s new hygienic rituals have officially ended after only three days of implementation. Robinson, 20, promised herself that she would…
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17 Cats That Are God
By Egyptian Holy Council Feb. 1, 2015 1) My cat. 2) Your cat. 3) My mom’s cat. 4) Your mom’s cat. 5) Ricky’s cat. 6) That weird cat. 7) Seriously, all the cats.…
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Magellan’s Crew: Wouldn’t it have been cooler if the Earth was flat?
By Matthew Goldenberg Feb. 4, 2013 1522 – Breaking their silence for the first time in the three weeks since returning from their circumnavigation of the Earth, members of Captain Ferdinand Magellan’s crew…
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Is UChicago’s Environment Giving You Depression or Do You Just Deserve to Die? Look Out for These Five Signs!
by Cornelius Amadeus Ginger III Oct. 26, 2018 It’s third week and, if you’re like me, you’re probably just now realizing how your limited success in high school makes you nothing but a…
