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8 of 9 Students in Your Problem Session Just Want To Be Held
By James Newton Nov. 9, 2013 At the conclusion of a four-year study, College statistics major Maya D’Angelo has revealed that the vast majority of students in math and science courses who attend…
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Op-Ed: Well, This Whole Pope Smoke System Is Nutso!
By Priest Geoff May 1, 2018 The Vatican, 1500 A.D. Well, here I was at the Vatican, ready for the best study abroad of all time. I’d been holed up at the seminary…
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University Transfers to New Bone Based Meal Plan with Bone Appetite
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Students returning from their summer break were surprised to find the meal stations in their dining halls filled with various animal bones. The change prompted by the…
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Gay Marriage Stance Added to Official List of Yoga Poses
By Alexander Dunlap May 26, 2015 Yoga practitioners faced an expanded repertoire last week, as new asanas were added by the Yoga Council to the official list of yoga poses. Most discussed among…
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Open Forum on Accessibility To Be Held In Rockefeller Tower
By Stephen Lurie May 27, 2013 Following increased campus pressure for improved disability services, the University administration announced on Tuesday an open forum on campus accessibility issues, to be held in the tower…
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5 Homeopathic Remedies to Try Before Calling Your Parents Who Are Doctors
By Nik Varley Jan. 19, 2018 Are you struggling with dry skin? Nursing an earache? Hounded by stomach bloat? You’ll find all sorts of “western industrial medicines” for these ailments at your local…
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BREAKING: Your Lab Partner Said Oops
By Morgan Pantuck May 16, 2016 In a terrifying moment that will surely haunt you for years to come, your biochemistry lab partner and resident imbecile Jason Lieberman just said the word “oops”…
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Strategic Reserves of Plastic Bags Under Sink Still Full
By Chris Deakin Feb. 1, 2015 In a statement released this morning, roommate Charles confirmed that the deep storehouse of grocery bags located under the kitchen sink is well-stocked and will remain so…
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Area man way behind on his telegraph feed
By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 Having finally returned to the telegraph office after three days of ignoring it, area man George Brittlemeier is reportedly overwhelmed by the number of telegrams left to…
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Who Said it? Bachelorette Contestant or a White House Communications Director
By Teddy Zamborsky Aug. 2, 2017 Who Said It: A Bachelorette Contestant or A Former White House Communications Director? 1. “You’re damn right I enjoy pissing him off.” Bachelorette Contestant or Communications Director?…
