-
Satan Devises Business Fraternities Only to Realize They Are Already a Thing
By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 On Wednesday afternoon, Satan, Prince of Darkness, was reportedly dismayed to find out that his newest creation, business fraternities, were already a thing. “I was sick of…
-
How Can I Be A Good Boy If the Concept of Good Is Arbitrary and Flawed
By Fidocles, the Dog Jan. 13, 2017 “Who’s a good boy?” my master asks me. In that moment, my mind is opened to all of the possibilities of goodness in our world. For…
-
Admissions Office Releases Class of 2019 Dick Statistics
By John Wilson Oct. 23, 2015 In an unexpected turn, the University of Chicago Admissions Office has released the penis size statistics for the class of 2019. The information was released on the…
-
Weak Roommate Declares State of Emergen-C
By Chris Deakin Dec. 24, 2013 According to a release from Brian the subletter, 5414 S. Woodlawn Ave., Apt. 2, is currently in a state of Emergen-C. The state was declared less than…
-
Graduate Students United Rally Disperses After Pinkerton Detectives Open Fire
By Daniel Lastres May 5, 2018 An artist’s rendition of the fatal rally Hyde Park, 1892 In a bid to regain control of campus following more than a week of unrest, University administrators…
-
University Announces Committee on Public Safety
By Teddy Zamborsky Oct. 18, 2016 University Announces Committee on Public Safety In response to what has been referred to ascalled “disruptive student protests,”, University Provost Eric Isaacs announced the re-establishment of the…
-
She’s Not My Girlfriend, Mom
By Walker King May 26, 2015 Mom, I appreciate all you’ve done for me. Were it not for the fact that you selflessly feed and clothe me, and selflessly allow me to e…
-
Class of 2017 Surprised by Air of Sexual Promise
By Clay Olsen Aug. 2, 2013 Most long-time inmates at the University of Chicago know that the campus and its environs are boiling cauldrons of sin, a few well-timed winks and broken condoms…
-
Ask Student Health!
By Student Health Services and Student Counseling Services Jan. 30, 2018 Introducing “Ask Student Health!,” a weekly feature wherein UChicago’s very own physicians and counselors answer your health and wellness questions! After your…
-
New Admissions Flowchart Announced
By Morgan Pantuck July 7, 2016 In addition to Regular Decision and Early Action, the University of Chicago recently decided to add Early Decision 1 and 2 to it’s list of application options.…
