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Please Remember To Get Your Feels Vaccine
By Student Health Services Oct. 17, 2017 Don’t catch feels this quarter! Autumn has officially arrived, which means it’s time for everyone to get their annual feels vaccine. The CDC estimates that on…
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North Residence Hall Renamed Following Donation From Dickwad Fuckwit
By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the…
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Sexiest Man Alive Also Only Man Alive
By Si Squires-Kasten Feb. 1, 2015 NEW YORK November 19, 2159 On Tuesday, Person (née People) Magazine awarded Juwan Murphy, the sole survivor of the nuclear holocaust of 2158, the title of “Sexiest…
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Editorial: It is a good idea for us to invade Afghanistan
By Various Feb. 4, 2013 It is a Good Idea for Us to Invade Afghanistan By Raymond Aloysius Chatterton III 1838 – Afghanistan will be the next step in the glorious expansion of…
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An Alphabetical Guide to Parties
By Chase Harrison May 15, 2017 Darties. Garties. RacistConstructionThemedarties. Who can keep track of all the types of parties these days? I can. Yes, I, Chase Harrison, Chief Correspondent of the Shady Dealer…
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Bio-Curious Student Registers for Genetics Class
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 18, 2016 Second-year and self-described “bio-curious” student Jenny Anderson was seen earlier this week registering for BIOS 11128, an introductory biology course for non-majors. Anderson, 19, told the Dealer…
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Town of Fonts Finds Itself Sans Sheriff
By Si Squires-Kasten Nov. 13, 2014 In a story first picked up by the New Roman Times, the town of Tahoma, Georgia has been sans sheriff for the last four days. Pressed to…
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Campus Gargoyles Begin Winter Migration to Warmer Weather
By Nico Aldape Dec. 28, 2018 In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals’ migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, the University of Chicago’s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part…
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Trump Administration Announces Executive Task Force on Inclusivity of the Gays, Illegals, and Blacks
By Nico Aldape Feb. 23, 2017 Trump Administration Announces Executive Task Force on Inclusivity of the Gays, Illegals, and Blacks On Wednesday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced the development of an executive branch…
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Opinion: A College Football Playoff Without UCF Has No Credibility
By Coach Danny Barret Dec. 31, 2015 There’s been a lot of college football playoff-related controversy since the concept was introduced last year. Most people are glad that the top four teams get…
