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Into Bad Boys? Then Check out Todd: The Guy Who Throws Paper Towels All over the Fucking Ground in Harper
By Diego Mansplane Nov. 2, 2018 Tired of always making your friends and family proud? Does your love life need a little danger? Then allow us to introduce you to Todd: the guy…
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Classmate Insists All His Essays Be Called Manifestos
By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 17, 2017 Throughout his three years as a student in Social Sciences at the University of Chicago, classmate Brady Schultz has insisted that every single essay, paragraph, and problem…
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Excerpts from Ayn Rand’s Final Hum Paper
By John Veillette Oct. 31, 2015 In Genesis, the God character, who is of course just a character because a divine being is a fiction for those too weak to face the realities…
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Scientists Confirm with 99% Certainty that Struggle is Real
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 Particle physicists working at CERN Laboratories have just confirmed the existence of the Struggle, the fundamental particle initially theorized in 1963 by Peter Struggle which completes the…
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Chief Keef Devours Entire Chicago Rap Scene
By Robby Zissner May 25, 2018 South Side music icon Chief Keef shocked the world this Tuesday when he ate the entire Chicago rap community. Dealer sources report that the incident began when…
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Five Reasons Why Air Bud Deserved to win Bob Dylan’s Nobel Prize
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 7, 2016 4. Air Bud is a philanthropist: Sure Bob Dylan has worked with six major, international charities, but boy was Josh Framm a piece of work. I mean,…
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Condom Czar Expands Westward into Condom Ukraine
By Morgan Pantuck July 22, 2015 The international community expressed widespread alarm this weekend as Vadimar PuginIvan Ivankov, the current Condom Czar of Hitchcock House, mobilized his condom army and began a military…
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Point: I have been forced to carry the spirit of Pierce on my shoulders. Counterpoint by construction worker: I have been forced to carry Pierce on my shoulders
By Daniel Moattar Aug. 2, 2013 Point: I have been forced to carry the spirit of Pierce on my shoulders. By Oliver Wateringcan II With the construction of the University of Chicago’s new…
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3 Step DIY Cathey Face Mask
By David North Feb. 11, 2018 Why spend money on expensive face masks that leave your skin feeling dry and damaged or waste time in your busy college schedule going to a salon,…
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Omance Goes Oorly
By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 A recent Omance between Benjamin Brooks and Cate Preston has gone Oorly, according to anonymous Ources. The Ources say Brooks and Preston Oth live in Ony Island…
