By Ryan Fleishman May 11, 2017 Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My DadListen up, sheeple. Now that you’ve spent some time at the University of Chicago, you should be…

By Adam Lowinger Feb. 18, 2016 In light of Senator Bernie Sanders’ recent success among the younger voters demographics, High-upsenior members of the Sanders cCampaign staff have begun to notices changes in thethe…

By Chris Deakin Oct. 24, 2014 This morning, around 10 a.m., local accountant Irene Berger observed local goose Patrick the Goose make a particularly “goose” face. Berger recounted to The Dealer that she…

By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh Dec. 5, 2018 You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they…

By Nik Varley, Jamestown 1607 Feb. 7, 2017 Jamestown, Virginia, 1607 – Sources have confirmed that the first white people have arrived in the New World and have immediately begun explaining to the…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 1. The Golden Man Might Get Lonely! People aren’t the only ones who get lonely, you know. The Golden Man deserves a friend too. 2. The Oscar…

By The Easter Bunny April 20, 2014 There will be an attack. I can’t tell you when or where, but it is going to happen. Soon. And there will be casualties. In the…

By Diego Pedulla-Smith and Wesley Adams Oct. 22, 2018   Students enjoying a lively Saturday night may have gotten a little more excitement than they had anticipated after President Bill Clinton got into…

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By Jacob Levin- Sports Editor Oct. 20, 2015 I know what you’re thinking. This is the University of Chicago, a school better known for its rigorous academics, storied traditions, and wild frat parties…