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Betsy DeVos Cackles at Orphan Humbly Asking for More Gruel
By Nik Varley Feb. 7, 2017 Washington, D.C. – Shortly after her confirmation as President Trump’s Secretary of Educationeducation secretary, Betsy DeVos was seen cackling in the face of a small orphan as…
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My Son is Going to Love This Meme I Posted on his Facebook Wall
By Mr. Z, Ted’s Cool Dad Dec. 31, 2015 When you spend a lot of time with your kids, you start to get an idea of what makes them tick. My son Ted,…
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Math Estimated at 90%
By Isaac Krone April 20, 2014 Prominent mathematician Dr. Ernest Poyevski shocked the mathematics world yesterday when he presented a paper, to be published in Communications on Pure and Applied Mathematics, which estimates…
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This Was Never Our Intention: An Official Statement from Quizlet
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 22, 2018 To the University of Chicago community, We at Quizlet would like to express our deepest apologies for the vile content hosted on our site in recent…
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In Memoriam: 100 Safe Spaces We Lost This Year
By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 25, 2016 In Memoriam: 100 Safe Spaces We Lost This Year2016 was an all-around tough year for many. Movies, music, and literature all lost foundational figures. More importantly, however,…
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First Year Shocked to Lose 2019 Class Council Race After Convincing Chalk Drawings
By Chase Harrison Oct. 21, 2015 As the fourth and final winner of the 2019 Class Council Race was announced, an audible gasp was heard throughout Ida Noyes Hall. Matt Newson had not…
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Student First in Family to Attend Club
By Kelly Keough Nov. 9, 2013 These days, getting in to the club can be one of the most difficult achievements in a young person’s life, and has been shown to have a…
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Melville Furious Editors Changed “Crab” to “Whale” in Original Moby Dick Manuscript
By Terence Vestibule May 4, 2018 New York City, 1851 Herman Melville, renowned New York author and poet, was reportedly furious earlier today upon discovering that his editors had changed every instance of…
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Five Fun, Unique Places to Throw Up in Your Residence Hall
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 When you’re meeting people ina college, it’s important to make a splash. O-Wweek is a time to show people who you really are, and establish yourself as…
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Area Youth Wastes First Wet Dream on Mrs. MacNeilson
By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 Tuesday- LocalCHICAGO—Area pre-teenager Alex Sanderson had been anticipating his first unconscious orgasm since he first heard his older brother, Jacobke Sanderson, soil the sheets of thehis bottom…
