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Into Bad Boys? Then Check out Todd: The Guy Who Throws Paper Towels All over the Fucking Ground in Harper
By Diego Mansplane Nov. 2, 2018 Tired of always making your friends and family proud? Does your love life need a little danger? Then allow us to introduce you to Todd: the guy…
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Ariana Grande Add/Drops Pete Davidson
By Diego Matamoros Oct. 15, 2018 After weeks of sleepless nights, emotional highs and lows, and one pet pig, the predictions of her academic advisor finally came to fruition: pop star Ariana…
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Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell
By News Desk Sept. 5, 2018 At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute…
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LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett’s Class Day Speech
By None May 25, 2018 I can almost see itThat dream I’m dreaming butThere’s a voice inside my head sayingYou’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no…
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Curveball! MAB Announces a Two-Hour Phone Call with Your Disappointed Parents Will Headline Summer Breeze!
By Dealer News Desk April 25, 2018 Summer Breeze In a surprise twist, UChicago’s Major Activities Board has announced that its annual Summer Breeze Concert will be headlined by a two-hour phone call…
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Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access
By Milena Prosss Feb. 25, 2018 As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available…
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Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle
By By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle…
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Admin Accuses GSU of Taking Free Speech Too Far
By Breck Radulovic and Dan Lastres Oct. 20, 2017 After years of successfully stymying grad students’ efforts to unionize, the administration was dealt a shocking defeat. Graduate students at the University of…
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Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 At approximately 5:56 p.m., third– year student Matt Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining…
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UC Leaks
By Leaked Docs Reveal Budgetary Chaos and Ambitious Plans Aug. 25, 2017 On August 8, a CSD reporter from the Dealer identified sSeventy– eight pages of internal uUniversity documents amidst a stack of…
