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Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 At approximately 5:56 p.m., third– year student Matt Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining…
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U of C Professor Publishes Breakthrough findings in Human Knot Theory:
By Alek Binion May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago mathematics department was abuzz this past Saturday after peer review determined the validity of faculty member Paul Phillips revolutionary findings in the already…
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Whom, Honey
By Evan Bernstein Dec. 31, 2014 Whom when it’s the object of a sentence, babe. Who when it’s the subject. No biggie; it’s a common mistake. Just, you know, now you know. Like…
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Wyoming pushed out to sea to make room for Puerto Rico
By Hannah Gitlin Jan. 3, 2013 After more than 800,000 Puerto Rican voters voiced support for the island to become the 51st U.S. state, United States lawmakers have determined that as it stands,…
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“Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It,” Says Dean Ellison as He Struggles to Stuff the Final Prospie in the Dumpster
By Jacob Johnson April 24, 2017 Jacob Johnson “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It”, Says Dean Ellison As He Struggles to Stuff The Final Prospie in the Dumpster “Aw, shucks,.” said Dean Ellison,…
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Area Man Loses Control of Sandwich
By Nik Varley Feb. 18, 2016 In a display that eyewitnesses called “devastatingdevasting” and “jaw– dropping”, area student James Wilbur lost control of his sandwich earlier this afternoon. The sandwich, which contained a…
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Study Finds Most Men Would Be Gay if it Weren’t for the Penis
By Chris Deakin Oct. 24, 2014 According to joint working group of New York University neurologists and sociologists, almost 98% of men claim that they would engage in all manner of homosexual activity…
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All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture
By Thomas Noriega Jan. 29, 2019 Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has…
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Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison Announce Joint 28th Birthday Party
By Breck Radulovic, September 17, 1970 Feb. 6, 2017 Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison Announce Joint 28th Birthday PartySeptember 17, 1970World famous rockers Jimi Hendrix, a visionary guitarist, and Jim Morrison, vocalist of psychedelic…
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Student Nominated for Oscar for Daily Performance of Gender
By Chase Harrison Dec. 31, 2015 When the Oscar Nominees were announced on January 24th, many of the usual candidates were nominated: Leonardo di Caprio, Cate Blanchett, and Eddie Redmayne. However, one complete…
