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Overconfident First Year Takes All of Floor’s Condoms
By Ashton Hashemipour Oct. 11, 2016 Quietly scurrying out of the communal bathroom, first-year Carl Smith was seen making his way towards his double roomm, his pockets filled to the brim with condoms.…
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It Happened to Me: My Palm Reader Was a Murderer
By Laniel Dastres April 26, 2015 It isn’t everyday that you can pay a small fee to have a stranger inform your life and career decisions with visions of the future. That’s why…
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Chalk to be replaced with humongous chalkboard
By Mark Sands April 25, 2013 The University of Chicago Office of the Registrar announced today its decision to replace the online Chalk system with a gigantic chalkboard. After cMore was closed in…
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I’m Still Trapped in the Tornado Exhibit at the MSI
By Jacob Johnson Oct. 17, 2017 Greetings, fellow first-years! My name is Jacob Johnson, and while you don’t remember me by name, you probably remember me as the awkward blond kid whose sweaty…
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Local Couple Announce Relationship has Been Cancelled
By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Jen Karamchandny and Joe Gaddis have announced that they are discontinuing their relationship after a successful three season run. Mutual friend and self-described producer of the relationship,…
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Opinion: Aggressive pointing the best way to deal with other’s bullshit
By Dan’s Tough Dad Jan. 8, 2015 You’re all young people, right? Younger than me at least. Well, when I was young the world was different and everybody said what they meant and…
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University to Close South, Max P, Snitchcock, and Burton Judson
By Catherine Alvarez-McCurdy Jan. 3, 2013 Following the positive feedback the University received upon its announcement of plans to close and destroy Pierce Tower over the upcoming summer, the Housing Office has decided…
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Jeb(!) Bush Caught Tunneling into White House
By Thomas Noriega April 25, 2017 Jeb(!) Bush Caught Tunneling into White HouseBy Thomas Noriega In the first major security scare of the Trump administration, Secret Service agents recently discovered a series of…
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This Twelve-Year-Old Played Blindfolded Simultaneous Chess Against Six Grandmasters And Got Slaughtered by All of Them
By Daniel Ruttenberg Feb. 18, 2016 Kyle Jacoby is only in the fifth grade, but already he thinks he’s some sort of chess prodigy. To test his mettle, he challenged six grand–masters to…
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University Librarian Tears into Pages
By Alexander Dunlap Oct. 24, 2014 Newly appointed University Librarian Brenda Johnson launched a spirited attack on the pages of the University’s libraries today, calling them “spineless good-for-nothings incapable of recalling instructions for…
