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Dean Boyer Reads Plato’s Republic, Announces Plan to Exile All Creative Writing Majors
By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 Dean Boyer, having recently read Plato’s Republic, announced that all Creative Writing majors would be exiled from University premises effective immediately. In an official statement justifying the…
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Sexting Over Venmo: As Easy As It Sounds
By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 iMessage bumming you out? Snapchat not doing’ you dirty like it used to? Never fear, sSexting over Venmo is all the rage in 2017, and you heard…
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Maroon Considering Reporting News
By David North Oct. 23, 2015 A recent decision by editors of The Maroon, a “newspaper publisher” (sic) on campus, has moved the paper in a journalistic direction. The vote only nearly passed…
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Frosty the Snowman Dead at 37
By Evan Bernstein Dec. 17, 2013 Frosty the Snowman, beloved Children’s icon and opiate addict , died in his Southern California home on Tuesday aged 37.While the cause of death is still under…
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A Letter from the Vice Provost on Manifest Destiny: “To the Maroons of the Future”
By Killian Makepeace Warburton May 5, 2018 Chicago, 1895 The Shady Dealer staff was digging up the foundations of Cobb for no particular reason, and discovered a small metal capsule containing a letter…
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New in Literature: Fifty Shades of Maroon, a Glimpse into the Secret Life of Dean John W. Boyer
By M.E.M.E. Oct. 17, 2016 When a third3rd year Shady Dealer reporter goes to interview American historian and Dean of the College at the University of Chicago, John W. Boyer, he encounters a…
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Date Ruined by Date
By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 According to sources who wish to remain anonymous, everything was set up perfectly for Julia Meyer’s date last Saturday. There were candles on the table, she was…
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Study: Over 85% of IM Frisbee Participants Have No Idea What’s Going On
By Zach Augustine June 2, 2013 HYDE PARK—Recent studies suggest that over three-quarters of participants in Coed Intramural Frisbee Leagues “don’t even know how to throw”. Multiple firstyear girls, coerced to play in…
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Zero Waste Redemption: How I Fit a Year of My Trash in a Mason Jar
By Ella Hester Jan. 29, 2018 When I went zero waste at the beginning of 2017, I wasn’t just embarking on a fresh start: I was literally running from the law! I needed…
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Five Questions I Would Ask My Doctor If He Were Still Answering My Emails
By Morgan Pantuck June 29, 2016 1. Do I have 1. Do I have restless leg syndrome? My leg wiggles a lot. Well, not a ton, but more than usual. I’d say a…
