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Editorial: What’s the curve on this nuclear test?
By Kim Jong-un Feb. 24, 2013 Professor? Hey, professor? I was just wondering – about that test last week? Yeah, the nuclear test. We had to set off the device underground and everything…
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I admittedly have no idea what this says
By Arabic Court Scribe Feb. 4, 2013 Medina, Muslim Empire, 651 A.D./30 A.H.: Greetings, Commander of the Believers. I know you’ve been a busy man lately, minting the first Islamic coins, sending an…
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Homeless Man Fined for Littering Himself
By Mark Boykin Dec. 17, 2012 A man living on the streets of Chicago was fined $300 dollars for littering when a policeman found him sleeping in an alleyway. Cedric Galloway, the homeless…
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University Classrooms Taken Over by That Kid Translations
By Kiara Nerenberg Nov. 7, 2012 A new wave of “uncommon-ness” has hit University of Chicago classrooms, this time in the form of rare textbook editions. At first, it was just a few…
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Area Dog Learns to Use Facebook
By Hannah Gitlin Oct. 21, 2012 It’s dinnertime in the Powell household. Steven and Gwen Powell, and their children Anna, 17, and Sarah, 15, are seated around the dinner table. The family dog,…
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77-Year-Old Sanders Announces Measured Walk for Presidency
By John Buterbaugh Feb. 23, 2019 In what could only be described as a “spirited” address to (commie) Vermont Public Radio, Independent Senator Bernie Sanders announced that, after considering it with his wife…
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I Just Wanna Find Someone to Have the Lady and the Tramp Kiss With, But With a Line of Blow Instead of Spaghetti
By Nico Aldape Dec. 5, 2018 Ah yes, the shining moment in one of the best of Disney’s nineties Golden Age films, a breaking down of class barriers between rascally mutts and elegant Cocker…
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Mother Nature Divorces Mankind, Seeks Custody of the Moon
By John Logan Buterbaugh Nov. 2, 2018 In a move right out of your childhood, Mother Nature ended her 300,000 year old relationship with Mankind following the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s shocking…
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Blue Chips Disbands to Better Maintain Its Exclusivity
By Rahul Gupta Oct. 26, 2018 In the logical conclusion of a prolonged struggle over the core values of the University of Chicago, the Blue Chips announced their dissolution late last week. The heads…
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Humanitarian of the Year Will Show Dining Staff Respect, Courtesy Until Second Week
By Andy Hatem Sept. 24, 2018 Some start work before the sun is up. Others don’t leave until well past midnight. The work isn’t easy; staff are always on their feet, and…
