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Six Animals the Div School Wouldn’t Allow Me to Give DMT
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 Do animals have souls? Does God speak to them? What happens if you give them a ton of DMT? These are the questions I hoped to answer…
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White Male Econ Major from New York Goes Missing, No One Notices
By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…
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French Politician “Relieved” Islamophobic Laws Were Worded Inoffensively
By Si Squires-Kasten Jan. 14, 2015 Following the January 7th attack on the offices of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine, Minister of the Interior Bernard Cazeneuve expressed “profound gratitude” that his country…
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State of the Union: Designated survivor dies of alcohol overdose
By Alexander Dunlap Jan. 3, 2013 UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – United States Secretary of Energy Steven Chu died at 10:38pm last night in an undisclosed hospital emergency room, according to a statement released by…
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Five Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your Crying
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 5 Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your CryingBy Morgan Pantuck 1. Cry during meals. CWE, or “crying while eating,” is the hip new craze that all…
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Frat Charges Guys $5 at Door to Correct for Income Inequality
By Chase Harrison Feb. 18, 2016 Like most fraternities on campus, PsiU’s Friday night party “90’s” themed party forced guys to pay $5 at the door, while girls got in for free. Howeverver,…
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President Obama Arrested for Climbing Main Quad Maple
By Willamina Groething Oct. 24, 2014 President Obama’s recent Chicago visit was interrupted Sunday by what White House officials are calling a “misunderstanding” with the University of Chicago Police Department. The UCPD responded…
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77-Year-Old Sanders Announces Measured Walk for Presidency
By John Buterbaugh Feb. 23, 2019 In what could only be described as a “spirited” address to (commie) Vermont Public Radio, Independent Senator Bernie Sanders announced that, after considering it with his wife…
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Chicago Scientists Discover that the First Eukaryotic Cell was a Giant Asshole
By Marlin Figgins, Primordial Soup, 1.5 Billion Years Ago Feb. 6, 2017 In a new groundbreaking new study, microbiologists have been able to finally decipher cellular signals used by early prokaryotes. To the…
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Area Student Doing Pretty Well at Facebook
By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Sources close to area student Todd Braxton confirmed today that the local teen is “doing pretty well on Facebook.” Braxton’s friend Steve Ackerman elaborated. “Things are really…
