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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Fan Mail

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By None Feb. 20, 2018 From: [email protected]Subject: Maxwell The personal adviser of my deceased client is a national of your country .I am contacting youto assist retrieve his huge deposit of US$10.5Million left…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Ellison Awakens from Week-Long Bender with No Memory of Welcome Letter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By James Reece Aug. 26, 2016 Dean Ellison Awakes from Week Long Bender with No Memory of Welcome LetterThursday, August 25th, 5:16 PMUniversity of Chicago Ddean of StudentAadmissions in the College John ““Jay”…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UCPD Seeks Budget Approval For Meddling Kids and Dumb Dog

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Natalie Friedberg March 1, 2015 Last Tuesday, Marlon C. Lynch, UCPD Chief and Associate Vice President for Safety, Security and Civic Affairs, submitted a request for a $1,000,000 budget increase in order…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Chicago Shady Dealer endorses Slate Slate

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Editorial Board April 23, 2013 The University of Chicago has a rocky road ahead. Recently, our school has been rocked by a number of scandals, and we can’t afford to remain sedimentary…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Researchers Discover Dog Dreams Exactly The Same As Dog Reality

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Greer Baxter Aug. 18, 2017 In partnership with the University of Nome, scientists from UofChicago have recently concluded a series of canine sleep experiments, the results of which confirmed what many had…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Let’s Network Together

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diane Zimmerman April 22, 2016 I am an ambitious young professional, and I think I could learn a lot from networking with you. I want to show you that I am an…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “You Like This” Says Salad Eater to Self

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Becky Stoner Nov. 18, 2014 A quiet murmur was heard this Tuesday around 12:17 pm in Bartlett Dining Hall. “You like this,” said second-year May House resident and reluctant salad eater Zoe…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Cyclists on Quad: “We just can’t get off our bikes”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Nov. 7, 2012 A survey of Hyde Park bicycle riders released Friday has found that the majority are unable to get off of their bikes once they have entered the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Markets in Disarray as Snapchat Shares Disappear After Ten Seconds

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Christopher Walker March 26, 2017 NEW YORK –This Friday, iInvestors were sent into a panic panicked on Friday when it was discovered that all purchased shares of Snap, Inc (SNAP) disappear from…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Greek Students Claim Rome Appropriating Culture

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles, 146 BCE Jan. 22, 2016 ATHENS, 146 BCE– Just this week students at the Lyceum in Athens began protesting Rome’s appropriation of Greek culture. Over CC students put down their…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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